--!_.-*-._jaclyn_.-*-.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

__I've Finally Found You__

Four more days, and yet I don't feel excited about it. No plans, no nothing. How would I be able to feel a little excited when I know I've done nothing to prepare for this day? This day is just going to be another normal day spent at home sleeping, or that I should make myself occupied after school in order not to think about this? Oh yes, I have morning school, so I will go to some random shopping centre and walk my heart out instead of being upset. So, there are many occasions coming up and I feel nothing at all. Not a single tinge of excitement, seriously, NONE~!

My birthday is in twelve days time, but I don't feel excited as well. I will be spending my birthday working. Darling's birthday is in seventeen days time, and I will also be working. Tell me I am pathetic please. I have never experienced such a thing in my life, fancy working on my birthday, working on my boyfriend's birthday. If I know that there's no plan for all three occasions, I would probably request to start work immediately instead of waiting till may. I even planned to request for off day on the later two occasions, but I asked him and he said I don't have to take off. Which means to say, we won't be celebrating our birthdays. He told me before that he don't celebrate his birthday, but that doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate for him. Are all these fated? Last year, I did not manage to have a proper celebration with him because it was so close to my 21st birthday celebration that I got no time and had to buy his presents and cake at the very last minute. All I did was to call him down to the car park at his place, gave him everything, and that ended the night of the start of his birthday. This year, yet again, I won't be able to have a proper celebration with him. He will tell me "there are many chances to celebrate together". Who knows how long we can last? NOBODY~!

All I got him was a wallet, a jersey, and a jacket. I don't wish for it to be nothing because I seriously put in effort to do everything, to search for it, to purchase it. In fact, I did make a reservation for dinner on his birthday, but I had to cancel the reservation because he asked me to. Look, I made the effort, I have to throw my effort into the drain. Who wouldn't be upset? It's not the matter about money, it's the pain and effort I spend in the middle of the night doing research for one whole month. I even planned to order cupcakes, and I believe he will ask me to cancel the order as well. I have already paid for the gifts and it's already being shipped here, so there is no way he can ask me to cancel it. I swear this will be the last time I'm doing all these, because I do not want to have another huge blow on myself after planning so much. There will be no next time, because the next time will be christmas and I will not do anything for it. We didn't get to celebrate christmas last year, and I believe we will never be able to celebrate it this year too.

I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT CHANCE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT OTHERS WOULD~!

I have never received a nice bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend before. I have never owned any couple stuffs (ring, shirt, accessories, whatever shit you can think of) with my boyfriend before. I have never gone on a holiday with my boyfriend before. The "I have never" will never be ending. You will never understand all these pain I have been carrying in my heart.

What you've failed doing in the past doesn't mean I wouldn't want you to do it to me. Being insensitive is not a good thing because you will never know what I want. Failing previously doesn't mean you will fail this time round. Since you are sticking to your old thinking that it will fail, so be it. I won't ask for it, I won't tell you what I want. You tried it on them and it failed, you've not tried it on me, and I believe I do not want it anymore. I've waited long enough and all I know is that I won't be as fortunate as them because they've experienced it and I've not. Having to bear with all these pain is enough.

Stop making yourself miserable, Jaclyn. If nobody appreciates what you do, just stop it. Stop putting full effort in all these useless researches and make yourself upset. Ask yourself, is it worth it? Divert your attention to your school and work now. Don't invest your stupid time in this and make life difficult. It's alright if your effort has gone into the drain, just treat this as a lesson learnt. Learn from mistakes and never commit it again.

I drafted an entry for wednesday, and I am going to delete it. It serves no purpose now~! I am not going to make myself upset by reading it over and over again. After posting this entry, I will delete the next post immediately, which I have never posted it because I was scheduled to be automatically posted on that day. One, two, three...GONE~!

[<-pRiNcEsSpiNky->] dreaming of my prince charming...|11:59 AM|