-=+[princesspinky]+=-

~seven hundred and seventy eight days since mummy left~

2011-04-06T22:47:00.002+08:00

It's time to start updating my blog again~! Shall have a new construction on my blog soon. Basically, life have not been that good for me. This has hit me far worse off than my mum's demise. Update about this the next time I come in to blogger.

~seven hundred and nine days since mummy left~

2011-01-27T17:43:00.003+08:00

I'm currently in Tokyo, Japan. Read the news online that there's bird flu here and viola, I got fever. How wonderful? Ought to die because I spread my fever to someone else and I think this sucks.

GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY~!

I SERIOUSLY FEEL LIKE DYING NOW.

Update another day. Bye bye.

~five hundred and twenty nine days since mummy left~

2010-07-31T15:04:00.002+08:00

Addicted to this song~!

纬:太慌张的拥抱我们只有一秒
世界崩溃成一座孤岛
s:这里没有人也没有时间不用思考
再没有后路可找也许就能天荒地老
e:明天的诺言交给明天去实现

这爱的誓言哪怕痛苦多过甜

纬:下雨了两个人的荒岛(s h:我和你的荒岛)

s.h.e:淋湿了就知道谁会比谁更胆小

合:我梦见了两个人的荒岛你要不要(s h:给谁找)

baby 跟我逃然后永远从地图上擦掉
纬:太慌张的拥抱
s.h.e 纬:我们只剩一秒世界崩溃成一座孤岛
h:这里没有人也没有时间不用思考(纬:不用思考)
再没有后路可找(纬:没有后路可找)
也许就能天荒地老(纬:天荒地老)
合:明天的诺言交给明天去实现
纬:下雨了(s.h.e:下雨了)两个人的荒岛(s h:我和你的荒岛)
合:淋湿了就知道谁会比谁更胆小
我梦见了两个人的荒岛你要不要(s h:给谁找)
s.h.e:ho~~~
纬:ha~~~
h:ha~~~
s.h.e:一起看
纬:天亮了
合:除了爱以外我什麽都不要

~four hundred and eighty days since mummy left~

2010-06-12T02:33:00.001+08:00

It has been a long time since I last updated.

Nothing much to update for now. Excited because I'm going somewhere with darling.

Goodbye.

~four hundred and thirty five days since mummy left~

2010-04-28T00:00:00.003+08:00

These 12 months have not been easy for the both of us. We've been through all the ups and downs, and I am thankful to have you by my side. Without you, I do not know how life will be. Thank you for your attention on me, your care and concern, and your never-ending love towards me. I know I have been quite a naughty girl all these while and your patience is running out. I always make you worry, make you angry, and I am so sorry. I know there will never be another person like you who loves me much more than I love myself. I don't deny, I am feeling blissful (never had such a feeling before) and I never want to lose a feeling like that.

I will never forget the times we spent together from the day we knew each other. It's all memories that will stay with me wherever I go. You know, I love you so much. I never want to lose you, and I will treasure you as long as I live. As long as we love each other, I'm sure we can overcome all obstacles, right? We'll be there for one another, and nothing can beat us down.

This is going to be the first time I am celebrating anniversary with my boyfriend, and you are the first and last boy I'd want to celebrate all the anniversary, birthday, any occasion together. Darling, thank you so much, really.....

HAPPY FIRST ANNIVERSARY~!

~four hundred and thirty three days since mummy left~

2010-04-26T00:18:00.002+08:00

Did I hear it wrongly? After darling read up on my entry, he told me things which I still find it unbelievable.

A person like him who used to buy couple ring for his ex-girlfriend, then his ex-girlfriend left him after that, he told me he will not buy couple rings anymore. Yet, he told me that he is actually planning to buy it for me for our first anniversary. Tell me, how can I believe it? It's just unbelievable and I don't pin high hope because I'm no longer waiting for it, not anymore~! I've waited long enough, I got seriously hurt after hearing what he say previously, and that is the reason why I've been buying rings for myself when I go out. And when my ring dropped into the drain while bathing, I got upset because I know I will never be able to get one more of the same kind, especially when I bought it myself after knowing that my boyfriend will never buy it for me. One year, he has never said that he will want to buy it for me. He said he don't like to wear ring and find it troublesome if there's something on his finger. What's worse is that, this ring is going to be worn long-term, unless we break off (touch wood). I still don't believe and I don't think I will want the ring to appear because it's not going to be happy between two person, but just happy on my side.

Whatever the case that is, I don't know how I should feel at this point of time. Not going to talk about this anymore.

I've been feeling sick since morning and I almost fainted. Headache, giddy, and the feeling of wanting to vomit. It must be because I am going to have my period in these few days and these are the symptoms. But this time round, it's worse because I have never felt so weak. I feel hungry, but I don't have the appetite. This made me feel like dying. I want to rest, but the pain is making me unable to rest. I have so many things to do this coming week. I have to go to school in the morning, and I have to meet up my friend to get the wallet at airport at night. I have to complete my powerpoint presentation slides for my final year project, presentation is on 30 April 2010. I have to read up on my final year project to get more familiarize with the contents so that I won't screw up during presentation. I have to buy a new set of formal clothing because the one I have is too big for me. I have to bring the skirt and one of my black pants for alteration because the skirt would be too long for my presentation, and the black pants is for my work purpose. I have so many things to do, yet I have so little time. Or rather, my time is not planned wisely, that's why I find that there is not enough time for me to do everything.

Now, I am going to force myself to sleep. Good night~!

*~four hundred and thirty one days since mummy left~!

2010-04-24T11:59:00.012+08:00

Four more days, and yet I don't feel excited about it. No plans, no nothing. How would I be able to feel a little excited when I know I've done nothing to prepare for this day? This day is just going to be another normal day spent at home sleeping, or that I should make myself occupied after school in order not to think about this? Oh yes, I have morning school, so I will go to some random shopping centre and walk my heart out instead of being upset. So, there are many occasions coming up and I feel nothing at all. Not a single tinge of excitement, seriously, NONE~!

My birthday is in twelve days time, but I don't feel excited as well. I will be spending my birthday working. Darling's birthday is in seventeen days time, and I will also be working. Tell me I am pathetic please. I have never experienced such a thing in my life, fancy working on my birthday, working on my boyfriend's birthday. If I know that there's no plan for all three occasions, I would probably request to start work immediately instead of waiting till may. I even planned to request for off day on the later two occasions, but I asked him and he said I don't have to take off. Which means to say, we won't be celebrating our birthdays. He told me before that he don't celebrate his birthday, but that doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate for him. Are all these fated? Last year, I did not manage to have a proper celebration with him because it was so close to my 21st birthday celebration that I got no time and had to buy his presents and cake at the very last minute. All I did was to call him down to the car park at his place, gave him everything, and that ended the night of the start of his birthday. This year, yet again, I won't be able to have a proper celebration with him. He will tell me "there are many chances to celebrate together". Who knows how long we can last? NOBODY~!

All I got him was a wallet, a jersey, and a jacket. I don't wish for it to be nothing because I seriously put in effort to do everything, to search for it, to purchase it. In fact, I did make a reservation for dinner on his birthday, but I had to cancel the reservation because he asked me to. Look, I made the effort, I have to throw my effort into the drain. Who wouldn't be upset? It's not the matter about money, it's the pain and effort I spend in the middle of the night doing research for one whole month. I even planned to order cupcakes, and I believe he will ask me to cancel the order as well. I have already paid for the gifts and it's already being shipped here, so there is no way he can ask me to cancel it. I swear this will be the last time I'm doing all these, because I do not want to have another huge blow on myself after planning so much. There will be no next time, because the next time will be christmas and I will not do anything for it. We didn't get to celebrate christmas last year, and I believe we will never be able to celebrate it this year too.

I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT CHANCE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT OTHERS WOULD~!

I have never received a nice bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend before. I have never owned any couple stuffs (ring, shirt, accessories, whatever shit you can think of) with my boyfriend before. I have never gone on a holiday with my boyfriend before. The "I have never" will never be ending. You will never understand all these pain I have been carrying in my heart.

What you've failed doing in the past doesn't mean I wouldn't want you to do it to me. Being insensitive is not a good thing because you will never know what I want. Failing previously doesn't mean you will fail this time round. Since you are sticking to your old thinking that it will fail, so be it. I won't ask for it, I won't tell you what I want. You tried it on them and it failed, you've not tried it on me, and I believe I do not want it anymore. I've waited long enough and all I know is that I won't be as fortunate as them because they've experienced it and I've not. Having to bear with all these pain is enough.

Stop making yourself miserable, Jaclyn. If nobody appreciates what you do, just stop it. Stop putting full effort in all these useless researches and make yourself upset. Ask yourself, is it worth it? Divert your attention to your school and work now. Don't invest your stupid time in this and make life difficult. It's alright if your effort has gone into the drain, just treat this as a lesson learnt. Learn from mistakes and never commit it again.

I drafted an entry for wednesday, and I am going to delete it. It serves no purpose now~! I am not going to make myself upset by reading it over and over again. After posting this entry, I will delete the next post immediately, which I have never posted it because I was scheduled to be automatically posted on that day. One, two, three...GONE~!

~four hundred and twenty four days since mummy left~

2010-04-17T11:57:00.004+08:00

Each time when I feel like updating my blog, I will hesitate for a moment and then close the window without typing anything. When I type something, my mind will go blank and I will backspace everything I've typed. All along, the only place I've updated is twitter and my twitter account is linked to my facebook account. People who keep track of me usually visits my twitter or facebook, rather than my blog.

Well, I got so many things to do yet so little time. It's not easy to do it like this but at least I managed to settle it. Hopefully, there's no error inbetween. It's really rushing because I had to ask for opinions before deciding. In the end, I am sticking to what I think and yes, it's all done. I've got no other ways, no idea what to do. Shall see how when the time comes. I definitely have to do it before I finish spending all my money.

Recently, many things happened. I am still trying to learn from my mistakes and I seriously hope it will never happen again. I do not want to regret for the rest of my life if I just lose what I have now. Learning is part and parcel of life and I need to learn how to adapt to it. For the sake of my future, I have to, and no matter what, I know I'll be able to learn. All I need is time and constant reminding to myself.

You know, I am very upset. My ring dropped into the drain while bathing and it cannot be retrieved back. Darling tried to take it with a long stick, but failed attempt to do so. The drain is too deep and the ring is too small to be seen. Moreover, I think the ring has already sinked deep down when I informed darling about it. So sad. I can never get the same ring again because I bought it in Taiwan. ARGH~! Why so careless? *sigh*

~four hundred and eleven days since mummy left~

2010-04-04T00:21:00.003+08:00

Strolled my way back despite knowing I have to reach home by 12. Full of emotions, almost bursting out in tears. Tell me, have I done anything wrong? So many points to list out but I can't. It's seriously killing me.

Mummy used to tell me, "you should blog about happy things, not those that will make you upset/angry/disappointed if you read it over and over again". When I've done nothing for the day, it's obvious enough that there is nothing to be happy about because nothing happened. It's not as if I went out to enjoy, not as if I received anything nice, so what's there to be happy about? With my usual daily routines, it's definitely nothing to feel happy about. There's 24 hours in one day, and I don't know how I used up this precious 24 hours.

Sometimes, I wish I am not so petty. I should not get angry over small matters. It's time I learn to be independent. I guess what my friend said is true. "By letting your loved ones to go anywhere they want, it shows the trust you have for each other". I would like to agree with this, but at the same time disagree. I am trying to stay strong. I don't know who I am living my life for, or that I'm just wasting my life away.

FULLSTOP. I HAD ENOUGH~! FUCKING SHIT.

~four hundred and nine days since mummy left~

2010-04-02T01:53:00.004+08:00

It was not my intention to be like that. It was not on purpose either. I just don't know why I always have uneasy feeling when I hear you saying that you're going out, without me. Damn. Am I so possessive? Over-sensitive? I seriously hate myself for this.

To you:
When you asked me if I have anything to say, I have so much to say. I don't know what made me say that I have nothing to say. Probably, I'm afraid that I might cry if I talk to you face-to-face. I'm bad at expressing myself, that's why I decided to keep quiet. In fact, I wanted to tell you that I am indeed upset. For the times you went out, it was informed last minute and I have the thinking that you enjoyed with your friends much more than me. I trust you so much that I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid you'd leave me one day. Look, this is really not on purpose because the feelings came just like that. I had to console myself while trying to get started on my final year project. I had to console myself when I am trying to sleep, and worst of all, I even had to console myself when I wake up. I have to tell myself that everything will be fine, nothing will go wrong. At least the lucky thing I know is that you did not go out and drink, or else it will be even worse. I don't deny if I am possessive and over-sensitive. When I'm awake, you're asleep. When I'm asleep, you're awake. When I wanted to talk to you, something seem to make me choke on my words and tadah, I had to give up on it. I cannot take big blows. I cannot stand loneliness. I really don't know what else I can do anymore.

On a brighter note: Darling and I took this using my sister's polaroid. Sweet? =D

~four hundred and four days since mummy left~

2010-03-28T00:00:00.001+08:00

Happy 11th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~four hundred and three days since mummy left~

2010-03-27T23:33:00.002+08:00

happy birthday mervyn tay

sometimes, i do not want to get disappointed further, thus not asking more questions.
i shall and will remain this way, and i hope you'll be happy.
be with whoever you want to be. you're of legal age, i can no longer control you.

~four hundred and one days since mummy left~

2010-03-25T05:46:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've been really busy with exams. Yesterday was the last paper for the term and I can fully concentrate on my final year project now. From today till the submission day, I have a full two weeks to complete. But from today till the day my final meeting with the supervisor, I have a full two days to complete. Got to rush out the final year project report and hopefully, it'll pass through without rejections.

Yesterday was the most disappointed day. I studied so hard for the exam only to find out that my name wasn't in the list. I went to the student service centre to ask about it and was told that I cannot take the exam. I made a big fuss in school and they only allowed me to take it 45 minutes after the paper started. By then, I was already having fever and feeling giddy. Why would I want to risk taking the exam in such a condition? The best part was, when many students needed help over the same issue as I am facing, the student coordinator was at home. Mind you, she was at home. She is supposed to be in school to handle our exam stuffs and not be sleeping at home. This is the first time I'm facing every single exams and this kind of thing made me lose hope. I cried and it made me feel worse. I seriously hope I will be able to graduate on time in November, otherwise I would be very very upset. Whatever the case is, I'll make sure they get back to me or I will go to the school and make things big.

Oh, I forgotten to mention that, JUNIOR is gone. He died infront of me. Sob sob. He had tears in his eyes when he died. Because of this, I was so upset and cried so hard. And few days after he died, darling and I went to buy another new guinea pig, named OREO. We even bought a new cage and new water bottle for her. She is so cute and is our entertainer. No photos of her in my laptop, I only got it in my phone. So, shall upload her photos another day. Wee. She's running around in her cage now, making alot of noise. She must be hoping that darling will wake up from his sleep and play with her. =p

Sidetrack: I'm feeling hungry while doing my final year project. Darling is sleeping like a pig and if I were to wake him up to bring me out and eat, I think he'll say I'm tam jiak. Hahaha. Shall continue with my project first then head to bed soon. Feeling quite tired, but I have to endure for just a few more days. Good luck to myself. =)

~three hundred and ninety two days since mummy left~

2010-03-16T13:35:00.003+08:00

Life is so unfair.

Been very busy with school work lately, thus the lack of time to update my blog. Lots of things happened, and I don't wish to talk much about it. What strikes me will remain in me.

Many things to handle. School exams, re-module lessons, final year project. All the timing are so close to each other that I got no breathing space. I have to constantly remind myself that I've got an appointment with the surgeon regarding the nodule in my body. Only then I will know if I need to do a biopsy test to see if it's benign or malignant, cancerous or non-cancerous. I'm so afraid to leave like the way my mummy did. There are many things I haven't say, many things I haven't do, so I do not want it to be this way.

I've been trying to lift myself up when I fall. When my mood is down, it affects my mood to study. But what did I do? I told myself, "just study and get over with it, the longer you drag, the longer it'll end". I'm learning to deal with problems one step at a time. I ought to get things prioritized.

I don't know what to say. Darling and I, came this far, almost 11 months together. I am so thankful to him. He told me, "I will be here for you". His reminder to me not to worry about that nodule touched me deep down. You know, that kind of assurance you never thought of, just came out and it all seem like a dream. But wait, it's true, not a dream. How sweet he is can never be explained through words.

Alright. I am going to sleep beside him now, and start studying later. I need some rest after the first exam today. Finally, one down, three more to go. I know I can do it.

~three hundred and seventy six days since mummy left~

2010-02-28T14:00:00.002+08:00

Time seems to fly fast. Whatever I have to do, I have to rush. I have poor time management, seriously. I don't know what to say. Everything is so fucked up. Nobody is here to help me anymore. Not when I needed help so much that I can't find someone to let me talk or confide in. Final year project, how do I start? What am I supposed to do? I feel so helpless, really. I want to cry hard........

10 days, yet I haven't start on my final year project. Reason, I cannot proceed to do my literature review if the school is not helping me get enrolled into the fucking blackboard. Journals, articles, fucking shit. Tell me, what do I show my supervisor when the next meeting is up? The fucking e-database shit is in the blackboard and I have no fucking access to it. All because I delayed the school fees payment and they take me out of it. Like what the fuck. They've been delaying me for 10 days, and no reply is given. When I asked about the blackboard, there is no one to help me. Am I supposed to give up? I have freaking 4 written exams to cope with, plus this final year project. Tell me........WHAT TO DO?

Enough of this. I have to handle with so many things. Every problems are shit to me. It's tearing me apart. One day when I collapse, I hope I won't suffer by living on earth. I hope to leave as young as I can. Weird symptoms are showing, and I told myself to remain negative. I want to go as early as I can. I guess, cancer is falling on me soon......

~three hundred and seventy six days since mummy left~

2010-02-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

Happy 10th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~three hundred and seventy three days since mummy left~

2010-02-25T22:58:00.003+08:00

If Fann Wong described her valentine's day this year as tragic, I think mine's worse....

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE...

~three hundred and sixty six days since mummy left~

2010-02-18T23:03:00.002+08:00

Time flies. One year since my mummy passed away. I will never forget this day even though it's haunting me every single day.

~three hundred and sixty six days since mummy left~

2010-02-18T15:27:00.000+08:00

ONE YEAR DEATH ANNIVERSARY, MUMMY.

iloveyou. imissyou.

~three hundred and fifty two days since mummy left~

2010-02-04T12:33:00.003+08:00

Newly bought guinea pig. JUNIOR~!

The decorations at chinatown. Darling brought me there for a walk last week, and it was hell. Crowded and stuffy.

Behind this smile........................................ (i don't know what i want to type)

I have got no more high hopes on my dream. It will never come true. What is in my heart remains the same. Life, it never goes the way you want it to be.

This song brings me tears. Be it just listening or singing along, I can see tears filling up in my eyes.

我把爱铺成蓝天
让不安的你一抬头就看得见
我把心烧成火焰
让怕黑的你拥着温暖入眠
我晓得时间如雪有时候会覆盖一切
但是真爱一如倔强会重生的绿叶

第几个100天还是很有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
第几个100天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变

曾有的敏感脆弱
在我的胸口你就躺下来别说了
将有的固执冲动
我也会拥抱你安抚着体谅你心疼着

第几个100天越来越有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
管过多少100天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变
当守护变信念连泪水都很甜

~three hundred and fourty five days since mummy left~

2010-01-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

Happy 9th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~three hundred and thirty six days since mummy left~

2010-01-19T14:26:00.000+08:00

Though I've not fully moved on without mummy by my side, I think I am depending on darling too much. To my surprise, we're still as sweet as before, given the fact that we are apart for 6 weeks due to his studies. We were in two different countries, Singapore and Beijing, or if considered as, Taiwan and Beijing, too. I'm glad nothing changed within these 6 weeks, and instead, I think my love for him grew much stronger.

Off-track now. Celebrated my younger elder brother's birthday last week at a chinese restaurant near my place. It wasn't a grand celebration with lots of people or friends, but with family members, together with darling. Took some photos of the celebration and it can be found in my facebook account. *laughs*

Darling is in school now, whereas I'm trying to find something to do. Probably go downstairs for a walk and to find food too. Darling drove to school and I can't wait for him to come back to receive my big hug. "Jaclyn, you're so fortunate to have your current boyfriend" is what I've been hearing from people. At times, I envy myself for many reasons to mention about. Really. All the rough patches I've gone through, every problems I encounter, darling never fail to stay by me. His encouragements, his words, his actions, his everything, proved me wrong in things I never believe in. We've been together for almost 9 months and still going strong. I hope this last forever. Will, or will not?

~three hundred and thirty one days since mummy left~

2010-01-14T13:14:00.002+08:00

Happy 19th Birthday, Shawn.

Like I've said, even though mummy may not be here physically to celebrate your birthday, we'll still celebrate it together as a family with her living in our heart. May you enjoy this special day of yours.

~three hundred and nineteen days since mummy left~

2010-01-02T17:32:00.003+08:00

I've been in Taiwan for 6 days already. Time flies, indeed. Been here since 28 December 2009, and it's now 02 January 2010. Had my new year countdown in Taiwan, for the very first time in my life, overseas. Didn't have the chance to celebrate christmas and new year with darling, and it's actually our first time celebrating together, that is IF we managed to do so. But we're far apart, so I will have to wait till 2010 ends before I can have my first celebration with him.

Taiwan is great. Cold weather, but not as cold as where darling is. Still, I feel very cold and kept jumping while walking. Woo. Bought lots of stuffs and I overspent my budget. Daddy scolded me at the last minute of 2009, and then gave me more money on the first minute of 2010. Sweet daddy. I love you. Haha.

Now, I'm at MiaoLi, another part of Taiwan, having a short 3 days trip. Came here yesterday, and will be heading back to daddy's place tomorrow, and then going shopping again on Monday. Tell me, I'm crazy. I bought 5 pairs of shoes for myself in 2 days. And I'm still going to search for more. I have to think of ways to bring it back to Singapore because my luggage is full. VERY FULL~! Use a box to put my shoes seems to be a good idea. Okay. Shall discuss it with daddy first, in case he scolds me. Haha. Tuesday and Wednesday will be going to daddy's office to do something, and then Thursday morning will be heading over to the salon to dye my hair AGAIN, and heading to the airport in the late afternoon.

Yup. I'm coming back to Singapore on 7 January 2010, arriving at night, almost midnight. Haha. See all of you soon, that is to those who miss me. I can't wait for that day to arrive, because darling will be coming back to Singapore on 8 January 2010. I'm very excited. I don't know how I'll react when I see him. Aww. I miss him so much. Sure to give him a big hug that day. But I doubt he'll want, because he shy. He is always shy. =(

Alright. Update another day then. Uploaded photos into facebook, so go check it out. =)

Oh, Forgotten to say...

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010, EVERYBODY~! May this year be a blessed one for all of you. May 2010 be a good one for darling and me too. Most importantly, may all of you stay happy healthy always.

~three hundred and sixteen days since mummy left~

2009-12-30T21:48:00.002+08:00

I'm in Taiwan now~! Cold weather, everything is going on fine, except that I always freeze when I'm outside. Woo. Did some shopping today and bought lots of stuffs. Crazy I tell you.

And now, I feel lazy to update my blog. So, update tomorrow then. =)

~three hundred and fourteen days since mummy left~

2009-12-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

Happy 8th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~three hundred and ten days since mummy left~

2009-12-24T11:52:00.004+08:00

Grandma is in hospital now~! Hope that she'll be fine soon.

Alright. Everything isn't going smoothly for me this whole month. Life seriously sucks to the core. How I wish I can escape from everything and not think about anything at all. I hate to be paranoid, never once loved it. But, certain actions/words make me go crazy.

Oh well. I'll be leaving Singapore on Monday morning. I don't know if I'm going to delay my trip because of my grandma's health condition. Will see how it goes before making the decision. I don't want to make an impulsive decision. I know I will regret. Now, all I can do is monitor her current condition for the next few days. I've yet to pack my luggage too. Guess it'll all be a last minute packing. I'll surely forget to bring something alone. Haha. Know myself too well. =)

I am falling sleep soon. Alone at the hospital, looking after my grandma. Oh well. Update this space when I got the time.

~three hundred and two days since mummy left~

2009-12-16T19:46:00.000+08:00

School was still okay today. Managed to survive for the two modules. Day-dreaming in class only. Kept looking at the photo in my wallet like an idiot. Well, I have to say that I'm still in holiday mood. There's only two days of school next week, and then I'll be having holiday all the way till near second week of January. Tell me, in such a case, how can I ever concentrate when the school hours are so short and we're always having short break? I feel more slack this time round. Dead meat for sure.

Darling made me say what I plan to get him for Christmas. Shouldn't have told him I'm getting him something and now, he knows what are those things already. Boohoo~! Next time when I want to get something, I shall keep quiet. Otherwise, there's no more surprise. ROAR~! But whatever the case is, I hope he really likes it because I spent quite a long time brain-storming what to get. =)

Frustrated. I don't know why I always get affected by what other people say. But I just don't believe I cannot last with darling this time round. I have confidence in darling okay. We definitely can make things work. It takes two hands to clap, not one. STUPID~! Should have thought of this earlier on. Guess my brain was malfunctioning when I'm affected by something. Now, my mind is clear and I know what I want. Don't try to brain-wash me anymore because I love my darling so much.

I am very tired now. Feel like sleeping but darling went to do his project and I want to wait till he comes back online before I head for my bed. Don't know what time he'll finish doing his project, but I guess I shall sacrifice a little of my sleep just to wait. I am very sweet, I know. THICK-SKIN~!

~three hundred days since mummy left~

2009-12-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness. I just saw a shooting star. I was standing at the window smoking and just saw something pass by. INFRONT OF MY EYES. Like what the fuck. Can't believe it. Of course, I made a wish. Hehe.

Okay. School is starting tomorrow. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it because it's definitely going to be a stressful semester. Must concentrate in this final semester already. Still got a few supplementary papers to take. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly or else I'm dead for sure. Need to complete everything by August/September 2010. I can do it, I know. *laugh*

Going away from Singapore on 28 December 2009. Will only come back 1 day before darling, that's like, 7 January 2010. When I go overseas, I realise time pass very fast. I don't know why. But whatever the case is, I can't wait for the day we will get to hug each other again. I really cannot wait for it. I hope for time to pass even faster. Darling, do you want time to pass faster or slower? Maybe slower cause he enjoying himself there. Right right? 25 more days to seeing each other. Eager? I am, I am. =)

Oh well. I'm confused. Really confused. I don't want to believe in such things. No no no~!

Got to rest early. Having morning class tomorrow. Good night all.

~two hundred and ninety nine days since mummy left~

2009-12-13T19:34:00.000+08:00

This time round, I cannot let my plan fail.

=D

~two hundred and ninety seven days since mummy left~

2009-12-11T21:11:00.000+08:00

Having to wake up early this morning, I didn't notice pooh bear was lying in this position until I was about to step out of my room. Looks so cute, so I took a photo of it. Haha. I don't know how it landed like that. Winnie the pooh sleeping face down.

Today was really a tiring day. Travelled here and there. Fell asleep once I got home and didn't feel like eating. I think my appetite is all gone. I've lost 2kg, and I don't know how much more I can lose. Oh well. Look at my current photo. How "nice" right?

Unglam, I know~!

Don't have the mood to do anything. School is starting soon, fyp synopsis submission is getting nearer. Yet here I am, lying on the bed about to fall asleep soon. Okay. I fell asleep for 3 minutes, and I kept having a feeling that someone is in this room. I guess I'm really tired. Fell asleep within 2 minutes of lying down after waking up. Argh. I am going back to sleep. Good night~!

Sidetrack: This stupid darling of mine don't know how worried I can get. Fancy him going to play basketball. The other day, something happened to him. And now, he's going to drive me crazy. Fed up. I guess life in Beijing is much more fun than Singapore. Basketball basketball basketball. Doubt he wants to come back too.

~two hundred and ninety six days since mummy left~

2009-12-10T12:28:00.002+08:00

Packed my room table yesterday. It was full of rubbish and it all belongs to my sister. I hate it to be so messy, so I packed alone. It was tiring, but all worth it. Just look at the pictures for the changes done. =D

Before packing.

After packing.

Then very randomly, I asked my brother to move his desktop to my mummy's room. I moved the speaker from my room to my mummy's room, dug out the keyboard from the storeroom, and placed one photoframe just beside the desktop. How wonderful. Each time I do something, I get to see the photo. =)

The new look in my mummy's room. =p

It has been 11 days. 29 days left. Time is passing so slowly. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how much I yearn for your tight warm hug? Do you know? Browsing through my files in my laptop, I don't see any recent photos of us. It feels really awful right inside my heart. I always feel so lonely at home. Nobody to accompany me, nobody to talk to. I don't even know why am I here in this house. Everyone at home is busy with their stuff, we don't talk to each other, and I will just lock myself in my room. Close the door, blast my music, and just lie down on the bed. Okay. I don't want to complain anymore.

Current song playing: Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You
Tonight will be the night that I would fall for you.

~two hundred and ninety four days since mummy left~

2009-12-08T22:02:00.006+08:00

Last week when I left home about to head over to the clinic, I saw this beautiful sunset. Decided to take a photo, but it didn't come out to be as nice as what I saw. But, it's still nice right?
The sunset I saw. =)

Then, on another day while I was bored, I placed my sister's winnie the pooh facing out of the window and took a picture. I risked my phone and luckily it didn't drop. Haha.

Cute? Tell me the truth.

Today, I decided to be a good girl and pack my room. 2 rooms to pack, and it was filled with lots of dust. Woo. It's sparkling clean now. I even shift my brother's desktop to my mummy's room to use. See see. Hello kitty phone, pink speaker (supposed to be hello kitty speaker, but I hate the sound), hello kitty keyboard, hello kitty tissue box cover, and all the miscellaneous items. Most importantly, there's a picture of darling and me. Spot it. The words on top is "Forever Love". WAIT. Try spotting a small little hello kitty with blue ribbon near to the centre. Darling gave it to me when we first started and there's lots of hearts inside. =D

SPOT IT~!

The stuff toys on my bed dropped on the floor and nobody bothered to pick it up. I don't sleep on that bed anymore and they just leave those toys lying around on the floor with lots of dust covering it. Thus, I picked all of them up, put it on the bed and left a notice.
The notice meant for my sister and brothers. =p

Alright. My appointment with the spine specialist is on friday at Gleneagles Hospital, 0930hr. So early. Kind of scared because I find it scary. Shall see how it goes.

Aww. I miss darling. 9 days already, you know? 31 more days to go. Can't wait for him to come back. I hope time pass faster. Must keep myself occupied and time will pass very fast. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Jia you to myself. =)

JACLYN TAY, stop being so paranoid~!!! ROAR.

~two hundred and ninety days since mummy left~

2009-12-04T22:31:00.003+08:00

Manual grinding because don't have electrical grinder. =(

Ingredients needed. That orange thing in the bowl is grinded by me.

The chef for the day.

Adding everything to cook.

Fry fry fry.

With tau pok.

Adding coconut milk. =)

Stirring it.

Final piece. A smiley me still cooking. =p

Today is my first time cooking in my 21 years of life. What I meant by cooking is cooking a meal - laksa. Wee~!

Been rotting myself at home for the past few days. Don't really have the mood to go out. Just feel like sleeping whole day long. Wanted to go out to hunt for christmas presents, but I feel lazy. I guess it's time I should learn how to be independent and go out alone. First, I rely too much on my mummy. After she passed away, I am starting to rely on darling. Daddy isn't in the list because he's always not in Singapore. I can never be alone, because I'm afraid of loneliness. Bad point.

School will only start on 15 December 2009. Final year project synopsis is supposed to be completed by 18 December 2009, but I don't know how to start. Don't even know what I'm supposed to do. Guess I have to approach others for help this time. I'll make sure I start working on it when monday comes. *yawn*

Darling has been in Beijing for 5 days already. It seems so long. 35 more days to go before he comes back. On webcam with him now, or rather, every night. Been seeing him eat non-stop infront of the webcam. Eating junk food. He'll surely gain weight there. *evil laughter* I seriously miss him alot. Trying not to think so much but I can't do it. I just can't stop worrying about him. My precious boy is so far away from me for such a long period of time. The weather is too cold for him. He's falling sick. Hope he recover soon.

~two hundred and eighty eight days since mummy left~

2009-12-02T21:35:00.002+08:00

Suffering~!

~two hundred and eighty six days since mummy left~

2009-11-30T20:35:00.001+08:00

So, darling is on his way to Beijing now. Sent him to the airport and left with tears. Seriously, I miss him alot now. He won't be in Singapore for three occasions: our 8th month anniversary, christmas, and new year, in which two are supposed to be our first time celebrating it together. I don't like this.

I guess he must be very happy. He was full of smiles when he went towards the departure gate. I had no chance to kiss him and hug him tight. What makes it worse is that I got no chance to even say "I Love You" before he move away from me. He must be too excited that he forgotten about my presence and only had other stuffs in mind. Well. It doesn't matter anymore because time cannot turn back. All I can do is wait for his return on 8 January 2010.

Darling. You won't have the chance to read this because I think it has been decades since you last came into my blog. But whatever the case is, please take good care of yourself. Drink more water and not too much of alcohol, alright? Be safe. I'll be a good girl and wait for your return. I love you.

*~two hundred and eighty five days since mummy left~!

2009-11-29T09:21:00.002+08:00

It's now 0922 in the morning. I am going out with daddy and my brother to John Little, then to Sitex. After this, I'll head straight to darling's place because I am staying over tonight. LOOK~! He is leaving for Beijing tomorrow, for freaking 6 weeks. Tell me, how can I not feel lonely?

I don't want to think about tomorrow. I know I'll not feel good. The weather there is crazy, and I'm so afraid darling wouldn't take care of himself. Who is going to take care of him if he doesn't do it himself? I can't be there for him. I am so worried about many other stuffs. How I wish he doesn't have to fly. May he be safe throughout the whole 6 weeks in Beijing.

Alright. I am going to bathe now. Shall update again another day. I guess without darling's presence, I will update my blog more than ever.

~two hundred and eighty four days since mummy left~

2009-11-28T00:00:00.001+08:00

Happy 7th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~two hundred and seventy six days since mummy left~

2009-11-20T16:20:00.001+08:00

You may be feeling a little more emotional than usual today, Taurus and you don't want to let this rock the boat with love too much. This may be a day where some subjectivity and reflection is required, or perhaps you just need some alone time to sort some things out. You may find yourself questioning the motives or even the manipulations of those around you. It is very easy when you are feeling your most emotional to make the wrong assumptions, so don't be too quick to jump to conclusions today. If you wait until these emotions level off a little, you will receive the clarity you have been waiting for.

Freaking true. I got this from facebook daily horoscope. TRUE TRUE TRUE~!

*~two hundred and seventy three days since mummy left~!

2009-11-17T17:42:00.003+08:00

又来到这个港口
没有原因的拘留
我的心乘着斑剥的轻舟
寻找失落的沙洲

随时间的海浪漂流
我用力张开双手
拥抱那么多起起落落
想念的还是你望着我的眼波

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

又回到这个尽头我也想再往前走
只是越看见海阔天空
越遗憾没有你分享我的感动

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
疲惫的身影不是我
不是你想看见的我
我不是一定要你回来
只是当独自走入人海
除了你之外的依赖
还有谁能教我勇敢

除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

So, I've been listening to this song for the past few days. Feeling very emotional too~!

Like seriously........ I MISS THIS~!

Soon, in about two weeks time, darling is going to fly to Beijing. I've always been hoping for time to pass slower, but it seems like it's moving so fast. Cannot imagine life without him, but I still have to live, right? I don't have a choice. I can't stop him from going. I also can't tag along with him. Either way, it's impossible. Guess I have to keep myself occupied for the whole 6 weeks while he's away.

To those who think I will only ask you out when my boyfriend is not around, do not have to worry. Reason is because I will never ask you out. I am not so stupid to ask you out and then let you say "wah lao. your boyfriend not around then you call me go out." and all sorts. Hehe. I'd rather die of boredom than to ask you out. I can definitely entertain myself. =D

THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN MANY MONTHS BACK. I TOOK A NEW PHOTO OF IT 2 DAYS AGO. HAVE NOT UPLOADED INTO MY LAPTOP.

This person left a big impact in my life. The one who left without saying anything to me. All she did was webcam with me 5 hours before she passed away. I was lucky because I brought my laptop along to school and had time to webcam with her. If I didn't webcam with her, I'd blame myself for not being able to see her when she felt better. But still, I do blame myself for not reaching the hospital on time to see her one last time, even though I was the FIRST to arrive. By the time I arrive, it's all too late.

The next time I go to Mandai, I am going to bring a small stool. It hurts me so much when I am not tall enough to clean mummy's area. I tip-toe and still cannot reach her face. Really very heart-brokened. Why am I so short? I cannot reach her face. I cannot touch her face at all. WHY???

I am going to stop, or else I will cry non-stop. Anyone out there? Please talk to me. You know, it feels terrible when nobody bother to answer me when I talk? I hate to be alone. Sooner or later, I'll just slip into depression. Nobody love to talk to me. NOBODY~!

~two hundred and seventy two days since mummy left~

2009-11-16T13:39:00.005+08:00

Did I lose count of the date? It doesn't seem right.

So, I've been sick for the past ONE week. It feels terrible I tell you. Bad headache with severe vomiting. Still, I went Mandai to visit my grandfather and my mummy yesterday. It's always going alone without any companion. Travelling to such a far away place in Singapore, a place whereby people will give you the weird replies or reactions upon hearing the word "Mandai". Bought vegeterian food for them, and I ate one of it. Taste great afterall. It's been such a long time since I last shared food with my mummy.

Life is so unpredictable. Even though at the time when I went over to Mandai wasn't early, like 2pm, there isn't many cremation slots booked. So far, I saw only ONE coffin being pushed into the hall. The whole scene reminded me of February. Ahh. Full of emotions now~!

I don't know what's wrong with these people nowadays. I don't have a mother anymore, so can't I go and visit her and keep her company? She can't feel lonely. What's wrong? Didn't they lose their loved ones before? Or probably, those that's gone isn't important to them? CRAZY~!

I'm not in the mood anymore. Feeling lonely, moody, totally crap.

Goodbye~!

~two hundred and seventy days since mummy left~

2009-11-14T16:02:00.003+08:00

I just finish crying...... Heartbrokened~!
I didn't know I was such a nuisance......
I'm sorry to bother you......
I should have just kept my mouth shut......

Sometimes, I feel so lonely. Like you know, there's nobody to talk to. And great, my tears just started to roll down my cheeks. Do you know the feeling of being lonely? I know. Do you know the feeling of not having someone to listen to what you want to say? I know.

Anyone understand me? Nobody~! Anyone love me? Nobody~!

Everything is all about me, myself and I.

~two hundred and sixty seven days since mummy left~

2009-11-11T00:47:00.001+08:00

Okay. I am sick. I just vomited, and my stomach still feel bloated. Kill me~!

~two hundred and fifty three days since mummy left~

2009-10-28T00:00:00.002+08:00

Happy 6th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~two hundred and fifty two days since mummy left~

2009-10-27T14:06:00.002+08:00

I'm at home with my brother now. I hate the feeling of waking up and finding no one else at home except myself. My sister went to work, my brothers went to school, and my daddy flew off this morning. Yes, I managed to find food to fill my stomach. Now, I'm waiting for darling to end work before I head over to his place. Not heading over so early, because I haven't pack my things yet. Probably going over at night, like after dinner time.

Just hung up on the phone with a few friends. Full of problems. Sometimes, it's good to have friends, but not those who don't admit their wrongdoings. This kind of friends, I'm definitely much better off without them. Not naming that person because I'm sure he/she will know that whatever we're doing is for his/her own good. If he/she doesn't change, then it's called hopeless. Misunderstanding? I doubt so. All of us have eyes to see, and we definitely know what hidden agenda that person have. I don't see why he/she can do something, and yet denying everything like he/she is innocent. Come on, boy/girl. If you think you have the ability to support yourself just because you are working, then don't come to us for help in future. One sentence from you and I feel so disgusted. "I am working now, why must I steal?" If that's the case, why do you need help in the first place? Trying to make me pity you? Or trying to make me hate you? Every single time you need help, everyone will push aside their things just to help you. But what do we get in return? We are not trying to make things difficult for you, but you are making things difficult for us. Since you never bother to spare a thought for us, don't expect us to do so. You make so many people give up on you. If you still don't learn your lesson, then suffer yourself. Don't make people around you suffer together. I hope karma befall on you, because I believe in "what goes around, comes around".

Let's see. It seems like it's going to rain soon. And yeah, darling just replied my message, after like 3 hours. Happy. Can't wait to see him soon.

*random*
You know what? I think something is wrong with me. I actually threw my ring away. Now, I'm upset. Ah. Freaking stupid to do that. Regret already. Now, I got no more ring to wear on my finger, and it no longer look slim anymore. *boohoo*

*sidetrack*
I want to change digital camera. (Sister has been hogging to it and refused to let me change)
I want to change my room layout. (Weird, because I seldom stay at home. Sometimes not even once a month)
I want to go on a short holiday trip. (Nobody is willing to go with me)

~two hundred and fifty one days since mummy left~

2009-10-26T11:11:00.002+08:00

So, daddy is in Singapore now. And he's going back tomorrow. Purpose for coming back is to visit my grandmother, who is still in the hospital after one and a half months. Hopefully, she'd be able to come home one month later.

Life, isn't as good as what everyone thinks. All the hidden problems are kept inside my heart, all the unhappiness. There is nobody for me to rant them out. I don't understand why. Shy is just an excuse. I don't know what else to say. So be it. I'm not going to force, neither am I going to ask another time. Should there be an invitation, I'd give them reasons for not turning up.

Did I hear my mummy sneeze last night? When I was about to fall asleep, I heard a sneeze that sound exactly like my mummy. Oh well. Maybe it's just a hallucination. Been having weird dreams for the past few days. No matter how many times I've said, nobody will bother to ask what kind of dreams I have.

~two hundred and fourty four days since mummy left~

2009-10-19T11:05:00.002+08:00

Darling has gone to work. I'm all alone now. Everyday before he leave for work, he'll kiss me on my lip, and after that, I'll be awake for the rest of the day.

Okay. After pausing for 40 minutes of updating, I just finished two bread. Now, I'm missing darling so much. He is not holding on to his cell phone, and there is no way for me to contact him except leaving him text messages (which he will only see it when he's free or when he gets back his phone). Now, I shall be a good girl and check if there's any show to watch.

Woo~! I just tune in to Channel U on television, and they're showing on Hello Kitty. Wonderful hello kitty paradise. It's advertisement time.................... SUCKS~!

On friday, celebrated my friend's birthday at east coast park. Got lost on the way there, and took more than 30 minutes to search for the exact location. Had a bad headache but dragged my feet there. When it was time for me to go home, I couldn't drive and had to get Benedict to do it for me. Thanks brother. Upon reaching home, I vomited. It was terrible I tell you. Bathe, and headed over to darling's place. Being the sweetie him, he waited for me at his void deck. Aww. Love you, darling.

On saturday, celebrated my grandma's birthday at the hospital. It was awesome. Full of laughters. A pity that darling didn't tag along. He doesn't seem to like to join in any gatherings from my side, be it for family or friends. Of course I felt upset, but what to do? Let him be. Photos of my grandma's birthday celebration is uploaded in facebook. =D

Let's see. Darling and I went caught a movie yesterday. Great show I would say. Haeundae: The deadly tsunami. A heart-wrenching movie which almost got me dropping tears. Before the show, we had Kim Gary for dinner. Enjoyed myself with darling. Double loves x33

Oh. We bumped into Weilun and Jinnee. Been such a long time since I last saw them. Shake hands like formal meeting. *laughs* They're damn cute can. Aww. Gonna see them again on wednesday, together with Cassy. Woots.

I'm going to bathe and visit grandma later. She is having checkup, and shall see what the doctor say. Goodbye everyone.

~two hundred and thirty six days since mummy left~

2009-10-11T16:33:00.004+08:00

Currently lying down on the bed using my phone to post an entry. Going to sleep soon.

Well. Didn't do much for the past few days. Besides going to school and visiting my grandma, the rest of the day is spent at home. Haven't been going shopping for a very long time. And even if I did step into a shopping centre, I didn't get to window shop, much less step into a single shop. Walking aimlessly inside a shopping centre, while trying to look at rings, I realised I'm actually looking from the glass window alone. Imagine walking and looking at the same time. Not much glance......

Disappointed, I decided to stop looking. Hais. My life.....

~two hundred and twenty nine days since mummy left~

2009-10-04T03:17:00.003+08:00

I can't get to sleep. My sister just made mashed potato and it taste like shit. Almost vomited after taking one mouth of it. Speaking of this, I miss the one darling did for me. That kind of taste is just wonderful. Woo~!

Been both happy and unhappy. I do not want to talk about this though. Trying to put bad memories behind me. Trying to act as though I've seen nothing. How I wish I've never opened your first drawer. I didn't mean to, but..... I'm just speechless with what I saw. I never want to talk about this because I know I am just thinking too much. Whatever the case is, I'm going to let my imagination run wild this time round.

Naive thinking. No such thing as fairytale ending. I want to live in a sweet fairytale, is it even possible? I want to be like beauty and the beast, aladdin, cinderella, every fairytale stories. Let me fantasize.

Oh. Forgotten about this. My dad just came back today, or rather, yesterday. Went to pick him up from the airport and found out that he's only staying for two days. Oh well. Then we went to visit my grandmother at the hospital. Blah blah blah~!

RANDOM: I'm feeling hungry now, but there's no food at home. No way am I going to eat the mashed potato my sister made. Should I eat mooncake? Aww. I'm craving for durians. *YUMMY*

GOODBYE people. It's getting late. Going to get some rest soon.

~two hundred and twenty four days since mummy left~

2009-09-29T12:36:00.004+08:00

I'm alone at darling's place now. Everyone is out at work. Bad time to have a one week study break though. Boo~!

I'm craving for mooncakes. Darling says I cannot eat, because I have many swollen lymph nodes in my neck. I cannot eat too much of tidbits too. Worse, NO ice-cream. If I want to eat, I have to drink lots of water, and I don't like to drink plain water. *puke*

Okay okay. I feel lazy to update already. I want to watch television. Oh. I only update my blog when darling is not around. *hehe* Goodbye~!

~two hundred and twenty three days since mummy left~

2009-09-28T00:34:00.000+08:00

Happy 5th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~two hundred and twenty one days since mummy left~

2009-09-26T22:44:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep well at night. My back is hurting like hell. Poor darling. I woke him up from his sleep, complaining that my back is so painful. Painful to the extend that I wanted to bang myself on the wall. Numbness..........

Hope it doesn't happen tonight. It has been on-going for almost a week. I want to have a good rest. Save me...........

~two hundred and twenty days since mummy left~

2009-09-25T19:58:00.003+08:00

Just don't understand why am I getting the same answer everytime I ask for it.
I never want to ask that question ever again.
Seems like, I'm the only one to get such answer, am I right?
I don't see why you can do it in the past, but not now.
Pictures, those that cannot be erased from my mind.
I chanced upon it myself.
I saw it with my own eyes.
I had my heart brokened into pieces.
You're not that happy now.
Don't believe?
Compare those pictures from the past till now.
Totally different...............

I GIVE UP!!!

~two hundred and seventeen days since mummy left~

2009-09-22T10:40:00.004+08:00

Everything was fine yesterday......
Until I saw those stuffs......
It must be very precious, very priceless......
One that is filled with lots of memories......
The smile I see here and the smile I see there is two different smile......
Never have I seen you like that......
NOT AT ALL......
I don't know how to describe my feelings......
But I know I've never felt this way before......
How I wish I've never seen all those......
No wonder I have this kind of feeling in my heart......
And that is......
No matter what I do, it cannot be compared to them......
I surrender myself to fate......
I'VE LOST THIS BATTLE......

~two hundred and fifteen days since mummy left~

2009-09-20T21:45:00.003+08:00

Blah~! I'm bored. Darling is watching soccer, while I'm rotting away. Feel so lonely now. No programme, no nothing. Facebook is getting boring. No games to play.

Don't want to update already. Don't know what to update also.

Goodbye.

~two hundred and ten days since mummy left~

2009-09-15T17:04:00.002+08:00

Updating my blog while waiting for my sister to finish bathing, then send her to the airport. She's going over to Hong Kong. Boo~!

Will be able to see darling later. Aww. You know, life without him is terrible. Guess I'm too used to having him beside me everyday. It just feel so weird. Waking up early in the morning, knowing that the one whom you see every single day, is so far away from you. Then, the mood goes down. Of course, when you start to receive messages or phone calls, the mood goes up. Wee~!

Okay. I'm going to leave home soon. Going to visit my grandma later at the hospital too. Update again when I have the time. Goodbye.

~two hundred and seven days since mummy left~

2009-09-12T22:04:00.003+08:00

Upon receiving darling's message when I was at the hospital, my heart melted. I kept smiling to myself, and my mood went up uP UP!

Blah~! Grandma is still in the hospital. She seems okay, yet not okay. I don't know how to describe this kind of feeling though. Darling has been reassuring me that this is normal, and that everything will be fine. Thank you darling. I wouldn't have known what to do if there is no you. Trying not to let my mind wander off.

Haven't been sleeping with darling for almost a week. Miss him so much. I think this week has been a very tiring week for him. He has been going to work in the morning all the way till evening, then accompany me to the hospital to visit my grandma. On-going for almost a week. Despite his tiring schedule, he still manage to squeeze time out for visiting. Thank you darling. You've been a very sweet boyfriend, and I definitely appreciate this. Your care and concern, and most importantly, it's your love. All these, I can feel it in my heart. Sorry for being so unreasonable at times. I'm sure you know, I love you so much. Bad at expressing myself though. Without you, I doubt I'd be who I am today. So, really, a big thank you to you.

Random. Feeling bored. I think darling fell asleep. No reply from him for an hour plus. He must be too tired. Okay. I'm going to watch television, and see what else I can do. Good bye people. =D

~two hundred and four days since mummy left~

2009-09-09T01:30:00.002+08:00

NOW I KNOW..
Nobody can keep promises forever.

I don't understand why am I like that. This feeling just suck so much, SO MUCH. The feeling of seeing others is so much different from seeing my own. I know I will never be able to be as fortunate when it comes to this thing, because there is always one unwilling party.
Never am I going to do this again. Definitely not anymore. I will get rejected, that's for sure.

I don't know what I'm typing about. Am I too stressed up over what's happening at home? Grandma fell, broke her hip bone, going for operation, and I hope it'll be successful. There're risks to it, and I'm praying hard. My eye-lid twitched, and I asked daddy if I can choose not to attend school, and surprising, he didn't reject. Whenever my eye-lid twitch, it bodes ill. I hope I'm just scaring myself, because this has happened twice in my life, which one of it happened just the day before my mummy passed away. So, I'm just taking precautions.

And, I'm tired. I haven't really been getting enough rest. I'm going to take a smoke now, and then try to sleep. Grandma's operation in the noon later. Going to head down to the hospital after school. *praying hard*

~one hundred and ninety seven days since mummy left~

2009-09-02T22:20:00.001+08:00

Aww. I'm such a softie.

This morning (around 7am plus 8am), darling made breakfast for me.
*SWEET*

And this afternoon (approximately half an hour ago, that's like 1pm), I received his messages.
*DOUBLE SWEET*

*Latest update*
Darling just called me (around 3pm plus 4pm). We talked for almost 10 minutes.
*THRIPLE SWEET*

*Latest lastest update*
I helped darling massage just now. He requested for it.
*QUADRUPLE SWEET*

We hugged!!! Like finally...
*QUINTUPLE SWEET*

Oh my goodness. I'm drowning myself in this pool of sweetness. Can I not wake up and continue to live with this?

~one hundred and ninety seven days since mummy left~

2009-09-02T01:14:00.003+08:00

I just arrived back at darling's place after going out ALONE for almost two hours. I was sitting at the void deck trying to figure out what I could do to be less nuisance. I can't help it because I realised I got serious moodswing ever since darling started attachment. I just hate it when he has got no time for me. Routine for him is SLEEP (regardless of the time he reaches home), eat, watch television, and back to SLEEP. No eye contact, no hugs, no kiss, no nothing. Even when he's sitting right beside me, there is none of these that happened.

Tell me. How can I not feel upset? I'm not trying to be unreasonable, knowing that his attachment workscope is so tiring. But the fact is that I offered to massage him after dinner was being rejected immediately once I popped this question to him. My mood went low. I stared into space, tears welling up in my eyes, yet I have to control myself from crying. My heart feels so painful having to see him feel so tired after work, and I couldn't do anything as his girlfriend. Did I fail to be his girlfriend? All I did was to listen to him, talking about his day at work. I got no chance to talk to him like how we used to. I've became so quiet for the past two days. If I show attitude to anyone, I'm really sorry.

"How is your day?", a question I do not know how to answer. It has been such a long time since people asked me. It's never easy having to act as though you're happy when your heart hurts so much.

Till today, I still cannot believe it that my mummy left me at such a young age. This shouldn't happen at all. Additional problem to add to my sadness. She didn't see me graduate, she didn't see me walk down the aisle, she didn't see what she wanted to see. Every single time when I browse through pictures of her, then reality struck me that she's long gone, FOR GOOD. She will no longer come back to me. All I'm left with is darling. I'm so afraid........................

I don't know if you're reading this. Please take good care of yourself while working. It hurts me to see you like that. Hear my heart shatter? I cannot afford to lose you. Do you understand? I'm sorry if I'm overly-paranoid. At the end of the day, you're still the one I love the most. Whether rain or shine, I'll stay by your side.

~one hundred and ninety six days since mummy left~

2009-09-01T19:59:00.000+08:00

Endure..........

The only word I can think of..........

Did I make the right decision to be quiet despite being so unhappy? I hate the way things turn out to be. It's no longer the same.

Everything I want to do seems to get rejected. How do I feel? Very very upest. I just feel like crying. Should I? Or should I not?

*listening to emotional songs now..to make my mood worse..maybe i'll feel better after that?..TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE..*

~one hundred and ninety six days since mummy left~

2009-09-01T00:17:00.003+08:00

First day of September. Darling started his attachment yesterday, and his working hours is so bad. So bad to the extend that he got no time for me anymore. The only time I can see him is when he comes home from work. By then, he'll be too tired to do anything, much less talk to me. Being the good me, I decided to talk lesser and let him have a good rest. True enough, he fell asleep much earlier than time he normally sleep. Working from monday to friday, and sometimes even on saturday. There might be over-time work for him too. 3 months I have to endure. Same routine goes everyday until November.

And when he ends his attachment, he'll be gone to China for 6 weeks. This time round, it's much worse than his current work. At least after his work, I'll be able to see him. When he travel to China, I can't even see him. Whenever I think of this, I get so upset.

Okay okay. I'm going to be so lonely. Probably going shopping alone until school re-opens. Not going to "disturb" darling until he is free. Hopefully, I'm making the right decision. I don't want to give him additional pressure. Alright. Off to play facebook games and then watch some videos on youtube.

~one hundred and ninety two days since mummy left~

2009-08-28T22:31:00.003+08:00

Whenever a day ends, I feel like sharing how my day was in school, what happened on my way to school, what happened on my way home, and many other stuffs. But, I never get the chance to do so, because the contents are too boring for anyone to listen.

Pressure. Same old stuff that has been on-going for a month. You must be thinking, "What could be so serious?" Well. It's for me to know, for you to find out. It doesn't make me any better by listening to it, yet it doesn't make me any better by ignoring it. Tell me, what should I do? I know that it's not going to be easy having to lead a life like that, but what can I do? Nobody can use force on such topic. It doesn't bring any happiness to it. It's not going to be taxing on me, but on the other person. This is considered a big matter. Things ain't as simple as what you thought. It's not just two, but many to ask. PLEASE, GIVE ME A BREAK. I'm tired having to answer the same question over and over again. When I say no, it seriously means no. It's not meant to be a joke. I AM NOT CALLING THE SHOTS. So, please, stop probing on this topic.

I'm off to rest. Haven't really been getting enough sleep for the past few days. Insomnia? Or that, I'm too stressed? I don't know.

~one hundred and ninety two days since mummy left~

2009-08-28T09:10:00.002+08:00

事情是我想象中的那么容易吗?

你的存在是多余的。每一次听到你的名字，我都有一个不舒服的感觉。。。就是因为你，让我过得很不愉快。我多么希望。。。你会在这世界上消失。

这。。。我开始了解了。也不想再多说了。

~one hundred and ninety two days since mummy left~

2009-08-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

Happy 4th Month Anniversary

I Love You

~one hundred and eighty six days since mummy left~

2009-08-22T21:08:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking over what my aunt told me. It does makes sense, but nothing in this world is simple. After this incident, I definitely do not believe that blood is thicker than water. When someone chooses water, there is no need for them to choose the blood anymore. Sympathy is something that people always take advantage of. Why are you trying to win sympathy from people who are close to me? Are you happy enough that you won this battle? I've lost everything. First, I lost my mother to the evil cancer, which is a very big blow to me. Now, I lost my youngest brother to the word "sympathy". Are you trying to take everyone away from me after the first painful ordeal? I thought you don't need people to pity you? You probably didn't know, you're making everyone angry over things that you do. By doing such things, you're making more people to hate you. It has got nothing to do with me because I don't know much about everything.

With your kind of attitude, it will bring you nowhere. With your kind of actions, it will not make you a hero, but a dumbass. With your kind of treatment to people, you will receive ten times the retribution you caused to others.

And to you. If you think this is a matter that you should feel proud of, then all I can say is I feel ashamed. Maybe we don't have the same blood that runs in our body.

~one hundred and eighty four days since mummy left~

2009-08-20T00:00:00.003+08:00

HUNGRY GHOST FESTIVAL starts now~!

~one hundred and eighty two days since mummy left~

2009-08-18T02:29:00.006+08:00

COME COME. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

Officially six months. Time pass real fast, right? I've been counting the days since my mother left. One hundred and eighty two days. No, it's not that I have not moved on. I'm just trying to count to myself. She still live in my heart, and no matter what happens, there is still a space for her.

So many questions I'd like to ask her, yet I do not have the chance to do so anymore. One said, "go down and ask her, then come up and tell me". If I could, I would. It's totally impossible, and I do not know when will be the next time I'll get to see her. So much I wish to see her, but deep down, I know that the chances are near zero. Questions that I want to ask can never be answered by anyone else.

Okay. No more typing of my mother. Stop before I lose control.

Anyway, if you think having to make a decision is difficult, then don't even bother to say you have to choose one side. So obvious that you want the best of both worlds, but I'm sorry to say that this is impossible. I will not condone such a behaviour, and whatever that is going to happen or will happen, it will be none of my business. Reason: I have already adviced you many times but to no avail. As simple as that, I wouldn't want to say much anymore. Probably, life without me would be better. More freedom for you.

I need a getaway trip badly. No travelling alone, so I'm only left with Taiwan. Shall see how. Going to catch some sleep now. Good night world.

~one hundred and seventy nine days since mummy left~

2009-08-15T00:41:00.002+08:00

I am feeling bored once again. At darling's place and he is already sleeping. Boo~!

We're going to catch a movie later in the evening. Happy. It has been so long since I last caught one. Everything has been going on smoothly, very wonderful I would say. I mean my life, nothing else. Sweet love life, great is the word. The feeling of not having to go home and face some people is so good. At least I don't have to raise my voice, I don't have to waste my messages, I don't have to use my brain to think so much, and most of all, I don't have to care about other people's life other than my own. Oops. Did I make it sound too obvious? *laughs*

I think I am on talking terms with my sister and my older younger brother. This kind of blissful feeling is one I've never felt for so long since my mother left us. I used to be loggerheads with my older younger brother. Now, it's going all well and I am thankful for that. We talk in msn when I'm feeling bored. And he'll just entertain me. So sweet, right? At least he understands me, unlike some other people who doesn't even bother.

So, I went shopping with my sister the day before, and I bought lots of clothes. Not much tops, mostly bottoms. Going for another shopping spree to get tops, otherwise I don't have much clothes to wear anymore. They're either getting bigger, or that it's not meant for me to wear anymore. Darling's wardrobe is full of my clothes. I'm like stuffing more clothes inside, and there's no more hangers available for my newly bought clothes. Boohoo~!

Blah~ I'm feeling kind of energetic. Feel like going out, but I don't want to wake darling up from his sleep. He'll have a hard time falling back asleep once he's awake. My sister is not home yet, and I thought of asking her to bring me for a ride. But I guess it's impossible because of darling. I don't want him to wake up not being able to find me anywhere in his house because most of the time, I'm in his room with him. I have to face my laptop and play some games on facebook, until I'm tired then I'll head over to sleep with darling.

Okay. Bye bye. =D

~one hundred and seventy five days since mummy left~

2009-08-11T22:53:00.001+08:00

Been such a long time since I last had a proper update yeah?

Darling is sleeping now, and I'm kind of bored. There's nothing for me to do. Haha. Well. School started today, and lesson is still alright. Normally during the first lesson, I'm able to cope. But when time pass, I doubt I'd be able to do so. My interest die off very fast. Hopefully, this time round, I am able to focus on my studies. Otherwise, people will think that I'm a slacker and that I cannot excel in my studies. I know, a leopard will never change its spots. But I cannot let them look down on me, right???

Yeah. Family matters has been bad. No more good ties amongst siblings. Whenever an advice is given, it will never be taken seriously. So, I've decided to wash my hands off, and lead my own life. Bystanders will never understand what the whole situation is about, so please do not comment on what I did when the truth is not known. I'm trying to learn how to see a person with ill intention, and when this happens, action have to be taken. Ever since 18 February 2009, life has changed. This is the day I lost my mummy after sticking to her for 20 years and 9 months. She always give me advices, and I turn to deaf ear. Now, I regretted everything I've done in the past, and time can never turn back. *MOVING ON IN LIFE*

Images of my mummy has been coming back. I can't sleep well at night, always jolting up from my sleep. Everything seems to be like a flashback that happened only yesterday, but it has almost been six months since this incident. Life has been difficult, I have to admit. Still, I ought to be thankful to darling. He has been very supportive, and never once gave up on me. He showered me with the most care and concern I ever needed after this hard ordeal, and the love that I have never received before. In such a situation, I doubt anyone can take my nonsense. But darling proved me wrong. He took everything down, and despite all my crazy doings, he never stopped loving me. Thank you, darling.

Boo~! I am going to see if there's any television programme for me to watch now. Update again another day. Schooling tomorrow in the late afternoon, and going shopping with sister and probably darling on thursday. Woots. Happy.

I want to remain this happy everyday for the rest of my life.

~one hundred and sixty eight days since mummy left~

2009-08-04T20:15:00.001+08:00

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

~one hundred and sixty days since mummy left~

2009-07-27T15:07:00.001+08:00

It is time for you Taurus, to stop putting everyone else's needs before your own when it comes to matters of the heart. Today you are in a zone where you are feeling neglected, if not abandoned all together. If you are attached, you need to communicate this emptiness to your partner, as they are doing things that are leading you to these feelings, without even realizing it. A simple conversation will be all you need to clear the air and feel one with them again. Single? If you have been putting other's needs before your own, it's time to put a stop to that today. If you don't love yourself enough to give yourself what you truly desire, how can you expect somebody else to do the same?

Chanced upon this daily horoscope thing in facebook, and sometimes, it sounds so true to me. What do you think?!?!?

~one hundred and sixty days since mummy left~

2009-07-27T14:11:00.002+08:00

Actually, I can choose not to even care about what you're doing. There's no point trying to care. When I say I don't care, I don't give a damn anymore. You are free to do whatever you want. Go ahead and do what you want to do, and then we'll see who is in the wrong. You've been given instructions on what to do, and you simple ignore it. Then pushing the blame to others for telling me. You dare to do it, you dare not admit? Trying to be a coward? Oh. Can't be bothered.

*cough cough*
Not fully recovered, I wonder why. Nevermind. I am going to watch television.

~one hundred and fourty eight days since mummy left~

2009-07-15T10:16:00.001+08:00

Okay. I am all alone at darling's place now. He went to school, and I'm rotting here, trying to get myself to start studying. Just called up the school about an hour ago to ask about my supplementary tutorial. Seems like they forgotten to send me an e-mail and now, I have no idea what to study for my supplementary paper. I have only two choices from them: 1) They will ask the lecturer if he can provide a private tutorial class for me anytime now, 2) They will refund me the supplementary tutorial fees and I take the exam without knowing what to study. Of course, being the clever one, I asked if I can defer the whole paper to next term and that they arrange for another supplementary tutorial when the exam date is nearer. Now, I have one less paper to take. Still, it's stressful enough to handle so many modules at one go.

Things are piling up for me, and I think I need to take a rest from everything. I don't know. *headache*

I think I'll start studying at twelve later. Need to study. Oh.....FOCUS FOCUS~!

Sidetrack: My nose hurts. Flu, sore throat. Aww. Five medicines to take. Yucks. The taste is bitter.

~one hundred and fourty six days since mummy left~

2009-07-13T14:29:00.002+08:00

What a "good" time to fall sick. After recovering from high fever, I am now having sore throat. Going to have exams soon, and I have not started on anything yet. Slack slack slack. Too slack. Someone, push me to study please.........

Aww. I don't know what to do now. So many things to handle at a time. Five exams plus one assignment. HELP~! I guess I'm dead this time. At times, I don't wish to study anymore, because, the one who always help me with my work is gone. I don't find it any useful to me if I continue to study. I am all by myself. I have to depend on myself to complete everything.

I'm going to watch television now, then study later. Goodbye people.

~one hundred and fourty three days since mummy left~

2009-07-10T11:35:00.002+08:00

Whoever tried coming into my blog from yesterday but saw "BLOG CLOSED", I apologise.

Hmm. Just reached home from Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium. Grandmother cried. Awww. I am going out soon. Meeting darling. *happy*

Okay. Bye bye.

~one hundred and fourty two days since mummy left~

2009-07-09T13:48:00.002+08:00

It's not easy having to tell my father some sensitive things, not to me but to him. I've been thinking how I should probe about this matter. I know it's a sooner or later thing that he will find out, but, it's just so difficult. Still in the "old" days, my father is quite conservative. This is going to be a big problem because he has been having this conservative thoughts since I was young.

PROGRESS~!
1310 hr - Currently trying to talk to my father in msn.
1316 hr - Confessed, with some problems arising.
1336 hr - Still solving for a solution to ease his mind.
1342 hr - Problem still not yet solved.
1347 hr - Gave up.

~one hundred and fourty one days since mummy left~

2009-07-08T16:06:00.004+08:00

WHAT A "GOOD" TIME TO RECEIVE SUCH NEWS?!?!?!?!?

Oh please. Just take a knife and stab me. Such a piece of news is something I cannot take. Very soon, that day will come. Can time stop at this moment? Am I supposed to feel happy? Am I supposed to feel upset? I know I will never be happy. What for put on a mask and act as though I am not affected by it? Should I countdown to that day? Should I feign ignorance? Should I bid you goodbye? Should I hide and cry in one corner? What should I do? What should I do?

No. Everything will be fine. Tell me that I'm right. Nothing will change, and I mean nothing.

Decided~! FEIGN IGNORANCE. I'M BEST AT IT.

~one hundred and thirty seven days since mummy left~

2009-07-04T05:20:00.002+08:00

回到家，感覺好寂寞。很久沒有這種感覺了。是因爲我每天都有人陪著嗎？現在自己一個人在房間，有一種感覺，好像一個失去方向的小孩。。。

我還在想，如果我沒有遇見你，我的生活會是這麽樣。我天天都告訴自己，我不能失去你。一種害怕的感覺浮現在我腦海中。。。這，應該不會發生吧？

現在都五點鐘了。下午時還必須回去學校。。。只需要去兩個小時，真浪費我的時間。爸爸明天就回來了，也不知道他會不會讓我出去到很晚。我答應過媽媽，說我不會晚上出去。可是，她根本都聼不到我所說的話。她現在已經一個人去環游另外一個地方，都不認得我們了。不管她到世界上的哪一個角落，她已經不認識我們了。我不想再欺騙自己，說媽媽還活著。有時，儅人家問候我媽媽，我會撒謊說他還好好的。。。我知道，她還在我的家/心理/腦海里的某一個角落。她只不過不能跟我們勾通。告訴我，對不對？看著房間的每一樣東西，都是屬於媽媽的。。。少了母愛，是有很大的分別。我想，我再也找不到這種感覺了。沒有媽媽買我要的東西，陪我聊天，煮我最愛吃的食物，跟我一起去逛街，講人生的故事，看我在考試的時候讀書。一個完美家庭，都已經結束了。。。多麽的痛苦。我好想念媽媽。。。這一切所發生的，時間都無法轉回把媽媽帶回來。

Memories left behind is all I have that remains in both my heart and mind. I miss you.

~one hundred and thirty five days since mummy left~

2009-07-02T00:32:00.003+08:00

Blah~! I'm currently at darling's place and he's sleeping. I'm playing My Zoo on facebook, and don't really play Restaurant City anymore. Only login there every now and then. (RANDOM)

I haven't been sleeping early for very long. I always sleep when the sun rises or in the afternoon, and then wake up in the evening or night, just in time for dinner. I just can't sleep. Tried to sleep early, but was jolted awake, and I couldn't get back to sleep. How bad can this be? INSOMNIA?

Indeed, it's very difficult to forget someone so easily. I'm not trying to forget, but to accept the fact and move on in life. "Time heals all wound", a sentence I always hear from people. How long am I going to take? Sometimes, when I'm really enjoying my time with darling, I tend to forget about everything. No, not forgetting the looks, but forgetting whatever turmoil I've went through for the past few months. I hate to be alone, because my mind will start to wander. I hate to sleep alone, because I've never done so before. I hate to hide my feelings, because I always rant at every single thing I dislike. The truth hurts, and this is something which I will never be able to recover from so soon. Definitely not now, not in the near future.

This kind of feeling, is one I will never want to go through again. I know it's impossible, but there's ways to prevent it, I guess. So much, I feel like leading my life normally. I'm trying really hard, so hard that I've been crying and talking about the same thing to darling, and I feel as though I'm like telling a story to him. I can't resist myself from talking about that, because it just get stuck in my mind. Tried getting it off but I don't know why is it not working. People always say, "rant everything out and you'll feel better". But why am I not feeling any better?

I can't seem to find my old self back. The smile I used to carry on my face is missing from my life. Spending my time with darling, hook myself up with facebook games, there's nothing else in my life. I'm left with nothing. Besides darling, I can think of no other reasons to remain happy. It has really been so long since I felt that kind of happiness I always receive.

Self-destruction is all I know. Cry is all I know. Ranting over the same thing every single time is all I know. What else do I know? One thing I know for sure.............. Being useless is my forte.

~one hundred and twenty five days since mummy left~

2009-06-22T15:32:00.000+08:00

Just arrived home from school. Boring~!

Currently playing restaurant city in facebook. I don't know what's the fun in it, but since I got nothing to do, I shall just "play". Accidentally left my game on for the whole night, and all my staffs are either too tired, or too hungry. Woo. And my rating went all the way down to 5. Woohoo. Crazy. I know my interest in this game will die off soon. =D

Okay. Nothing to update already. Leading a good life now.

~one hundred and eighteen days since mummy left~

2009-06-15T01:44:00.002+08:00

POST DELETED!!!!!!!!!!

~one hundred and twelve days since mummy left~

2009-06-09T19:31:00.004+08:00

Hello people.

I'm currently at darling's place. Watching television, seeing him play game, and I am bored. One week study break is over. Hur hur~!

Actually I got nothing to update.

Bye people.

~one hundred and eleven days since mummy left~

2009-06-08T16:24:00.000+08:00

1. I love the way you look at me right into my eyes.
2. I love the way you hug me tightly in your embrace.
3. I love the way you kiss me so passionately.
4. I love the way you smile to me.
5. I love the way you make me smile.
6. I love the way you stretch out your hand wanting to hold onto my hand.
7. I love the way you hold my hands and not letting it go.
8. I love the way you stood by me when I was at the weakest point in my life.
9. I love the way you care for me.
10. I love the way you sing songs.
11. I love the way you play online games.
12. I love the way you look when your side/back/front view is facing me.
13. I love the way you scold your desktop when you lose.
14. I love the way you lie down right beside me.
15. I love the way you do my hair neatly when it's messy.
16. I love the way you drive.
17. I love the way you react when you're silly.
18. I love the way you feed me with food when I didn't want to eat.
19. I love the way you piggy back me despite my heavy weight.
20. I love the way you tug me into bed when I have insufficient sleep.
21. I love the way you let me lie on your chest.
22. I love the way you smell.
23. I love the way you talk to me on the phone every night after I reach home.
24. I love the way you give me advices when I'm troubled.
25. I love the way you assure me that everything will be fine.
26. I love the way you encourage me to do something that's right.
27. I love the way you look when you wear anything nice.
28. I love the way you tell me so much about your life experiences.
29. I love the way you surprise me.
30. I love the way you listen to what I have to say.
31. I love the way you ask if I'm feeling alright.
32. I love the way you say it'll hurt when I attempt to pluck your moustache.
33. I love the way you dream talk.
34. I love the way you chase me to sleep at night.
35. I love the way you are labelled as blanket snatcher.
36. I love the way you whisper into my ears.
37. I love the way you call me dear.
38. I love the way you laugh at something funny.
39. I love the way you make me laugh.
40. I love the way you play with me like a kid.
41. I love the way you motivate people in life.
42. I love the way you respond when I call you darling.
43. I love the way you express yourself.
44. I love the way you protect me like a guardian angel.
45. I love the way you ensure that I feel comfortable wherever I go.
46. I love the way you make me feel secured when I'm with you.
47. I love the way you make me miss you so much.
48. I love the way you say "I miss you".
49. I love the way you say "I love you".
50. Lastly, I love you the way you are.

Is there any repetition? I don't know. There are more, but 50 is enough. =p

I love the talks we had last night. Can it happen everyday? It feels so nice. Blah~! I'm talking nonsense now. How can it happen everyday? Okay. Update another time when I have the mood. Assignments are killing me. Additional work to be done. Got to crack my brain soon. Till here.......

~one hundred and six days since mummy left and happy birthday carolyn~

2009-06-03T15:35:00.001+08:00

I'm staring into blank space without anything in mind to do. Just as I was browsing through the websites I normally frequent, I decided to click on blogger.com and here I am. Now, I do not know what I want to type.

As much as I dislike, I have to endure. I dislike the fact that human are so selfish to even care about how another person feel. This includes myself. Poking fun at something so sensitive to me is definitely a wrong choice. I do not mind such comments but not to the extend of rubbing salt onto my new wound. A wound that is barely one third of a year to let me recover. It's pretty obvious to what I'm trying to point at. I do not deny that losing someone so dear can be a painful truth. A truth that needs unknown time to put behind me, let alone to stop thinking about it. I do not mind having casual talks about it. Just do not try to tell me things which hurts me so deep till I want to disappear from this world. Whatever others can do to their mummy, I know I have got no more mummy to do the same. I used to come from a wonderful family, and now, I do not know where that wonderful family has gone to. We are short of one member and nobody can replace her at all. Because of this member, I am being reminded of so many things that I regretted doing in the past. Now, I truly understand the feeling of knowing how to treasure after losing.

I am not supposed to type about such stuff. But when the bell rings in my head, it means that I need to talk to my mummy. I can't talk to her personally now, and all I have is my blog to rant everything out. She can no longer hear me talk like how I used to. Neither can she understand how I feel like how she used to. I have my darling, my daddy, my sister, and my two younger brothers to talk to, but we are just drifting apart, with them doing their own stuffs, and me with my own. They are someone who do not care about how one another feel. Do not comment on this if you know little about everything that is happening. We understand each other too little, and I wonder at times, how did I even become a sister to them. Mystery answer, I do not know.

I HOPE one fine day when I'm browsing through your pictures, be it photo albums or those in my laptop, I would be smiling to myself and not crying. I would want to remember all the small little details that we have gone through together for 20 years and 9 months.

I NEED A GETAWAY TRIP!!!!! Like, SOON?!?!?!?

Today is my sister's birthday. I would like to wish her......

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY, CAROLYN~!

~one hundred and two days since mummy left and happy birthday mummy~

2009-05-30T13:02:00.002+08:00

Today is a special day. Today used to be a day full of surprises. I think from now onwards, this special day will be a very quiet one. Well well. Today is my mummy's birthday. I know. There is no birthday for the dead, but I'd still like to wish her a......

HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY, MUMMY~!

You're much loved by me. =D

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, two days ago was the 100th day since mummy left. Time flies. I guess it's true that death comes to everyone. It's only a matter of time when a person leaves the world and become non-existant. This is how scary it can be, but regardless of anything, mummy lives in my heart forever. Wait. Does it even matter if she's dead or alive? She's still my mummy what. Blah~ You know something? I always have to constantly remind myself not to think so much about mummy. Remind and remind, remind and remind. I don't know how long I need to remind myself and I can just fall asleep while everything goes through my brain. When I'm having free time, I remind myself even harder. Surpressing my feeling, I always deny I'm in grief. Okay. Stop about this. Crazy~!

And yeah, on 28 May 2009, it marks the first month ever since our love story started. We went through quite alot. I think it's much tiring for him to tolerate all my attitude and temper. Random moodswing that just burst out. Despite me throwing tantrums, he never give up pampering me, treating me so much like a princess. The way he treats me can be found on no one else. I've never received such a sweet treatment from anybody before, and sometimes I wonder if I actually deserve such a thing that's happening to me. The kind of sweet feeling totally made me melt. Hoho. I'm beginning to type without reading, and I do not know what I'm trying to say now. All in all, he is the best gift I could ever receive. I just want to treasure him till the end of time. =D

Okay. It's already one in the afternoon. I better get prepared and head over to Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium to pay respect to mummy soon. Got to wait for darling to be awake. Sister and brothers are still sleeping too. Hmm. I've been awake since seven in the morning. I just can't sleep well. Bad bad, because I only slept for two hours. Lalalalala~!

~ninety nine days since mummy left~

2009-05-27T12:12:00.000+08:00

Look look. My face looks rounder. I'm gaining weight now. Let me see. I gained around 2 kilograms? All thanks to darling. Feeding me with lots of food. Making me crave for more food. He said that he saw the greedy side of me. My mind is thinking only about food. Hahahahaha.

Sigh. Roller coaster emotions. I need someone to pat pat me to sleep. I can't sleep well.
HELP~!~!~!

I overslept this morning. I'm just too tired. Insomnia insomnia insomnia. My sister says I need a doctor. We had this small and little yet serious argument. Ah. Don't wish to elaborate on it. Some busy-body might just start their nonsense to another person. Save the trouble. You will get to know nothing about me. =D

Ho. So, I have got nothing to do now. Should I sleep? My eyes feels so pain and heavy. No no. I'm going to find something else to do. Hopefully, tomorrow won't be a busy day. Two occasions. It's going to be mummy's 100 days since she left. Oh well, don't brood over this too much or it'll affect me. Secondly, it's going to be the first month being together for darling and I. =)

Darling, happy advanced first month anniversary. I love you.

~ninety seven days since mummy left~

2009-05-25T12:52:00.000+08:00

Life is unpredictable. This moment, you see them. The next moment, you don't. Just within a week, or rather, it's just a few days, I've known of 3 memorial services. The pain that my friends have to go through must be tremendous. I went through this 3 months ago, and I understand this kind of pain. Leaving the world without a word is the most hurtful thing to know. Worse of all, you didn't get a chance to say "I love you" even before you know of their departure. I know, and I hate this feeling so much.

One because of passion, one because of illness, and the last was probably due to old age. You have all gone to the other world without pains and sufferings. Not around physically, but you'll remain in everyone's heart especially your loved ones. Very much I'd like to pay my last respect to you all, but I'm sorry that I can't attend because my mummy's 100 days is not over yet.

Rest In Peace.

Deepest condolences to Priscilla, Raymand and Donovan. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you'll remain strong throughout this period of time. Take good care of yourself.

~ninety three days since mummy left~

2009-05-21T06:51:00.002+08:00

I guess it's really time for me to stand up on my own feet. I don't know how long this is going to take, but I'll definitely try my best. Why am I even torturing myself mentally? Why am I making everyone around me suffer the same turmoil? Why am I not understanding towards others? Am I really so reliant on you that I don't know know how to be independent?

Please enlighten me. But nevertheless, I'd like to thank you for your constant support that no one else has ever done so. I'm feeling the way I've never felt before. I realised, being with me is not an easy task. Yet I know no reasons to why you're pampering me so much when I always bully you. Nahx, it was just for fun. I know I always nag non-stop, and you might just get fed-up one day because of me being too grumpy. But whatever the case is, I've seen everything with my own eyes, and that your actions sure prove how much patience you have for me. Thank you.

So, I've understood that you've been my guardian angel all along. So much I want to type, I decided to stop here. Haven't really been sleeping well. *laughs*

~ninety two days since mummy left~

2009-05-20T12:49:00.003+08:00

I've got nothing to update. Just feel like typing something here. =)

~ninety days since mummy left~

2009-05-18T14:48:00.001+08:00

I'm learning to move on, and I'm really trying my very best to do it. Each time I take a step forward, I tend to move two steps backwards. I force myself not to think so much. Every night, I have difficulties sleeping. Exhausted by whatever I'm doing, I am still holding on to every single hope I can to continue living. I've found my pillar of strength, the one who gives me the power to live on.

He is the one who showers me with unconditional love, the one who showers me with care and concern, the one who supports me in everything I do, the one who pampers me like a princess, the one who plays with me, the one who made me happy, the one who I feel comfortable with, the one who I feel as though I've known him for years, the one who I open my heart to when I'm feeling down, many of "the one" that I can't finish listing, and most important, he is the one I love.

To the special person in my life, my darling: I don't know if you'll ever get to read my blog, but I'd like to thank you for helping out with my assignment, encouraging me when I feel so stressed, and applying cream on my back when I'm in pain. Thank you for all the talks we had for the past few nights. I know it has been hard on you to take care of a spoilt girl like me. I appreciate your kindness. Like I've mentioned this many times, you're indeed a very sweet boyfriend. I'm blessed to have you in my life. I love you.

To my dearest mummy: Even though I still miss you since the day you left on 18 February 2009, I guess I have to move on without you. I don't deny, life without you is hard. I relied on you too much that I almost wanted to give up on myself. If you're able to see whatever that's happening to me, you'll be grateful to darling for pulling me up. He told me if I give up on myself, nobody can help me. I'm sure you share the same sentiments as him, and so I have to be strong. For you, for darling, I won't let myself fall again. But of course at times when I fall, it doesn't mean I'm not strong. It shows that I'm just missing you too much that I am forcing myself to let go. I will never forget the times we had together for 20 years 9 months.

Thank you for your sweet smile all along even when you're suffering in silence. You know something? You've got the sweetest smile I've ever seen. It's true.

Remember, this is our last family picture taken together. I'm sure you know, I do love you as much as I love my darling.

~eighty three days since mummy left and happy birthday darling~

2009-05-11T14:11:00.001+08:00

The past one week was purely attending chalet. First, it was my official celebration with my family and friends. Second, it was my unofficial celebration with my friends (some of those who didn't manage to attend my first celebration). Expected to turn out bad, but still, thanks to those who came down. Thanks to Eugene di di for helping to marinate the food as well as the barbecue of food. I'm so addicted to the fish now. Craving for it. *laughs*

Saturday was Vesak Day. I didn't know about it, until I board the taxi and realise there's no peak hour surcharge. Surprised by it, I was looking at the paper at the side of the window stating how the meter fare was charged, and saw that public holiday has got no surcharge. Woo. Always take taxi, yet I don't know about this. I'm a slowpoke. So, night time was singing session at Kallang Leisure Park for darling and me. The room they gave us was like, just the both of us in a room meant for 15 people. I love love love darling's singing. That kind of feeling just seem so GREAT~!!!

Mother's Day was yesterday. I went to Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium in the afternoon to visit my mummy. Stayed there for quite some time before heading off. In the past, I always reserve my day for my mummy and then my family and I will all head out to have dinner. But this year was really quiet. I really envy those who bought flowers and presents for their mummy. First time I feel so terrible inside me. I was walking around bedok interchange yesterday and I saw so many of them buying stuffs for their mummy. Still, I bought a mother's day card for my mummy and I'm going to place it at home. Whatever it is, Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there. I'm sure your love for your children will never be taken for granted, for they will realise the importance of you one day. Happy Mother's Day to my dearest mummy.

Just as I've turned 21 on 6 May 2009, it's darling's turn to turn 25 today on 11 May 2009. 5 days difference in birthday is a first time experience for me. Reason being, I had to rush out his birthday present within a few hours, and I was totally worn out. Rushed to get the pictures washed, wanting to get a gift box but couldn't, and also getting a heart-shaped cake. I placed it behind the backboot of my car and attempted to trick darling to get my "jacket" for me when I don't even have one at that point of time. Okay. My plan failed because darling already knew what I was up to. He even expose me. Well, the present may not be very nice, but I hope you will like it. May everything go smoothly for you. Stay happy, and smile more.

HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, DARLING~!

To my dearest mummy: Happy Mother's Day mummy. You might not be physically with me, but I know we're in each other's heart. Carrying me in your womb for 9 months, bringing me into this world, and watching me grow for 21 years (20 years and 9 months to be exact), I'd like to thank you for nurturing me into a fine lady. Without you, I wouldn't know what I'd become today. Without you, I wouldn't be able to see the world. Without you, I wouldn't know what happiness was in a family. I kept thinking to myself, how would it be like if you were still around? I think everything would just be so perfect that I wouldn't dare request for more. Having you around is sufficient. Thank you for everything you've done for me for so many years. Trying to change me when I mixed with the wrong company of friends, getting me to study hard for my own good, cooking my favourite food when I'm hungry, taking care of me when I'm feeling unwell, sleeping with me every night, talking to me when I have problems, assuring me that everything is fine, every little single things you do, I appreciate it alot. I never show out because I'm bad at showing. I'm definitely good in expressing through words, but I can't do it anymore because you won't be able to see it. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you in the past, and now, there's no more chance for me to do that. I'm really sorry. The things I do can already make anyone give up on me, but you never fail to pull me up, and most importantly, not giving up on me. I thank you for this, and I'd like to say that, you're the best mummy. I love you.

This is who and what I am today. Thanks to my dearest mummy. I'm just missing your face in the last picture. No, I'm no longer that happy, when you're not here with me. The one who understood me inside out, the one who loves me the most, the one who pampers me like there's no tomorrow, the one who covers me up whenever something happens. The one I'm referring to is the greatest person on earth that brought me up without complaints, with full positive mindset, and the one I love the most. She is none other than my dearest mummy, Chan Y.E Sharon.

~seventy eight days since mummy left and happy 21st birthday to myself~

2009-05-06T13:07:00.003+08:00

Happy 21st Birthday To Me.

I'm officially 21 now. Time flies. Birthday celebration was a success, thanks to darling and my friends who helped out. It was really amazing. I didn't expect it to turn out so wonderful that I could relax at one corner preparing myself without any worries. I don't deny, initially, I was worried that everything couldn't proceed smoothly as planned because darling told me he won't be arriving that early. But I got a surprise because he arrived much earlier than the time he mentioned. I was smiling to myself.

So yes. I had my advanced birthday celebration on 2nd May 2009 at Aranda Country Club. It was awesome, I tell you. I felt so much like a princess that day. Many people couldn't recognize me, and I definitely enjoy catching up with all my friends. Feels so great. Heave a sigh of relief that it's all over now. Appreciated those who helped out in the plannings. Be it less or more contribution from yourself, you're still much loved by me. =)

Know something? In fact, for my birthday celebration, I didn't do much plannings. Darling was the one who planned everything for me. He's such a sweetie that he even made the cover of my guestbook. Woo~ This is making me feel like I'm in heaven. The outcome of it, EXCELLENT. Amused by it. Even the decorations, he did it for me. Ain't he sweet? I never thought that I'd be able to get such a nice boyfriend, really. I need to thank him for so many things that he did for me. Planning on the decorations and barbeque food, buying the food, marinating the food, choosing my first dress for me, and other stuffs, especially taking care of me when I was having fever. No complaints, no nothing. What more can I ask for? Totally nothing. I'm really glad for having darling in my life.

Darling. Thank you for everything you've done despite being so tired after school everyday. Thank you for the love, care and concern showered on me. Thank you for the big winnie the pooh present. It was totally a surprise. A "human" who promised you to take care of me when you're not around. Very sweet of you. Thank you so much. You know, I love you.

My friends who helped out. Thank you all for helping out at the chalet. I don't know how I can thank all of you, but really, I sincerely thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

A big thank you to everybody who came down for my birthday celebration. Thank you to all who came down despite having a tight schedule. Without you guys, this celebration wouldn't be so successful. I hope all of you enjoyed yourself. Pardon me if I didn't host you for long. Was really busy. This is going to be the most memorable celebration I could ever keep in my heart. Trust me, there will never be a second same celebration.

PHOTOS ARE UPLOADED IN MY FACEBOOK. =D

To my dearest mummy: Mummy. Were you there at my celebration? Did you see everything? Do you know how much I miss your presence? Mummy, I've been writing to you each time I update my blog. I know you can't reply. At the same time, I feel so pain in my heart. Why did you have to go? WHY?!?!?!? Mother's day, who can I celebrate with? Your birthday, who can I celebrate with? Every year, I will plan something for you. But how to plan it this year? Even if I plan, how to proceed with the plans without you? Are you suffering? Please tell me. Don't keep me in suspense. You haven't been telling me anything for seventy eight days already. Hint me something. Regardless of anything, I will still love you.

~sixty nine days since mummy left~

2009-04-27T16:52:00.002+08:00

Merely two weeks of not updating my blog, I realised that many things happened within this short period of time. No, I won't say much though. I don't know what's wrong with me. *BIG SIGH*

Preparations for my birthday celebration not done yet. I'm really stressed. I guess afterall, I still have to handle everything all by myself. Many things to get, and this is giving me bad headache. I'd say, only one quarter of the preparations is done. The rest are not settled yet, with me having to struggle with school work and the preparations. I'm tired.

To my dearest mummy: I miss you. I still can't let you go.

~fifty six days since mummy left~

2009-04-14T17:25:00.000+08:00

I just realised, after the fourty nine days thing happened, time pass very slowly. How is it possible that time is passing so slowly? I've been doing so many things, and twenty four hours seems to be not moving at all. Back to insomnia nights, I just can't seem to sleep at all. Imagine having to wake up at 0600, yet I only managed to fall asleep at 0300, sometimes even much later. You know, it's so tiring to lead such a life. I'll carry heavy eyelids to school, and can just fall asleep any moment when there's lecture halfway. This feeling really sucks, especially when everything came flowing into my mind AGAIN!

Oh well. I've been spending my time with my lover boy for the past few days. It's not that I'm over-obsessed with him. I just don't want to regret in everything I do. I don't want to take him for granted. I don't want to lose him. And that's because I love him too much. Wait wait. I'm typing all these not because he reads my blog. Just that I'd like to pen down my feelings instead of hiding it inside my heart. I already shared everything I could with him, and sometimes, I'm just afraid it might hurt him or even affect him. I can get paranoid very easily over small matter. Frankly speaking, I hate myself for making him angry the other day when I got dead drunk. I know I'm not a good girlfriend, but I'm definitely trying my best to be one. I guess I might fail this time, but I'm not going to give up trying to be a good girlfriend to my lover boy. Okay, this sounds a little stupid though.

I'm the kind of person who has got very bad temper, very bad attitude, very stubborn, everything bad that you can think of. But I have a very soft heart that makes my emotions unstable at times. I admit, I can't handle my emotions well at all. I suck at this, and I suck very much at this. You know, this kind of things cannot be controlled. I can just cry to myself without anyone knowing. Staring into space, random thoughts, and tears start welling up. I really don't like such a feeling especially when I have no one, and I mean NO ONE right beside me. I don't know why but I hate to let people see the weak side of me. Some of you have already seen it during my mummy's funeral. And that's a very small number of you. Other than that, I try to stay strong. Much stronger than I expected. I can put on a smile, I can act as though I've moved on in my life, but in fact, I'm still dwelling over the past, over the fact that I've lost the person closest to me. The one who understood me inside out, the one who never gave up on me no matter how mischievious I was, the one who defended me when I did something wrong, the one who pamper me so much, the one who listens to my problems whole heartedly, the one who took care of me patiently when I'm feeling unwell, the one who loves me much more than anyone could imagine.

DUMBFOUNDED! I NEED TO STOP UPDATING NOW. I find no other reasons for me to continue with my updates when I'm getting all emotional. I'm sorry.

To my dearest mummy: I'm sorry. I've got nothing to say today, really. I hope you still remember me, and that I'll remember you forever.

~fifty four days since mummy left~

2009-04-12T20:38:00.001+08:00

Cassandra, look! I stole my own photo from your blog. Haha. =p

Yeah. And I'm back to update my blog. Went for Eugene's (that's my di di) 21st birthday chalet at costa sands resort for 3 days 2 nights. Happy advanced 21st birthday to you, di di. Woo~ First day was total havoc for me. I drank absolut vodka pear, and I got wasted in a short period of time. Became a merlion for the whole night. I had to go to the clinic early in the morning to get injection to stop myself from vomiting, and it hurts so much. Until now, it still hurts so much. Well. Don't even know if I talked nonsense. If I do, and if I offended anyone, I'm sincerely apologetic.

Not only being apologetic to friends, I definitely need to apologise to my dear dear. I know I made him angry, I made him upset, I made him disappointed. I'm really sorry. I had no idea of what's going on, and all I know is people come telling me he is very fed-up with me. Okay. For this, I definitely admit it's my fault. I don't know how to put these into words, but I just feel like an idiot. I wouldn't know how I'd be like if there isn't him around. I really don't know. This is the first time I get so wasted with someone so dear beside me. I know the whole scenerio was unglam. But hey, I didn't expect such a thing to happen alright.

There are so many people I have to thank, for taking great care of me when I was so drunk. Never am I going to drink and get myself so wasted anymore. This feeling definitely sucks, but wah, I tell you, it's damn high. And so, yeah. To those who took care of me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you all so much. Much appreciated.

Well. It's going to be the first day of school tomorrow. I doubt I'll get used to it because it has been quite some time since I attended school. Always have to adapt to the school environment after a short "break" given. I hope I'll be able to cope. Ah. We'll just see how things goes in school then.

Goodbye people.

To my dearest mummy: Hello mummy. Did you try coming into my dream? I think I almost dreamt of you, or was it just hallucination? I don't know. Probably, I'm missing you too much that I thought you're entering into my dream. For a moment, I made myself believe that you're still alive in this world. I'm sorry mummy. Up to date, I can't help it but yearn for you every single day. People come asking me, "what do you want for your birthday present?" All I could answer was, "I want my mother." How did such words come out from my mouth? It's like, I know nobody can bring you back to me, yet I am requesting for such a present. You're just someone I can't take off my mind. Mummy. I hope you're fine in the other world. I know you're no longer suffering, right? I want you to stay happy, much happier than before. Promise me okay? Hope to see you and your smiles one day. I love you so much.

~fifty days since mummy left~

2009-04-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

Time pass so fast. Today, as of 08 April 2009, my mummy has left us for fifty days. Why is it so fast? It seems just like just yesterday. I still miss her so much. I'm learning to move on in my life. Like what my lover boy said, I need and have to move forward. How do I do so? I have no clue about this. I can't sleep very well at night. Many of the memories came flowing into my mind like there's no tomorrow. I'm at the verge of breaking down soon.

Yesterday, 07 April 2009, was the fourty-nineth day. All of us woke up very early and headed over to the temple to bring my mummy home. I controlled my tears, and there I saw my eldest younger brother crying. Brought my mummy home, and burnt some paper offerings and clothes to her. Well. I think my siblings and I are too sticky to my mummy, and we're too dependent on her. I don't deny, I love to stick to her. I guess it's always true about this sentence, "a person will only learn how to treasure after losing". This always applies to me. I took my mummy for granted. Everytime she talks to me nicely, I turn to deaf ears. So much I regretted. That's why I'm treasuring every moments with every single loved ones in my life. This includes my family members, my relatives, my friends, and most importantly, my lover boy. I don't want to go through the feeling of losing a loved one anymore. It feels terrible, and very very miserable. This feeling is worse than having a knife pierced into my heart, really.

On Saturday, 04 April 2009, was tomb-sweeping day for us. We went to three places as usual, but the only difference is that we are praying to an extra member, and that's my mummy. It feels so weird having to pay respects to her at Mandai. Just not used to it. And I totally forgotten to get flowers for her on my first visit there. How stupid can I get? I got so upset, and decided to get nice flowers. I wanted to get her favourite flowers but it was out of stock, so I had to buy those handmade ones that's tied up together into a bouquet. It's beautiful. It's just too nice.

Went down to Mandai again on Monday, 06 April 2009, just to place that bouquet of flowers for her. My lover boy and my dearest sister, Mavis, tagged along together with my dad, mummy fat, my sister, my youngest brother, and I. After that, we went for lunch and went over to the hospital to get the doctor to sign some documents. This is the day I found out about the truth on how my mummy left us, and yes, I cried. Why am I hearing so many stories from different people? How many more stories am I going to hear? There's too many doubts. I'll listen to what the doctor said instead, because I believe she knows it better than anyone of us does. I don't know, but everything still seem like a dream to me. Someone, please wake me up from my dreamland and get me back to reality.

Almost a week ago, on 02 April 2009, I found this recording in my mummy's phone. It was inside her phone for 8 months, and nobody knows about this. Recording is kept confidential, and I cried so hard that my eye swell, my voice change, and that I felt weak all over. Why on earth did I even want to explore her phone and listen to that recording? I should be strong. I should be that happy-go-lucky girl I used to be. But why is everything changing? My emotions is like roller-coaster. It's so unstable that I can get emotional over sensitive topics, I can cry over unnecessary matters, I can get fed-up over nothing. I feel so frustrated with myself at times.

My lover boy. Thank you for being there for me. I really need to thank you for being my pillar of strength when I'm feeling so down. Your efforts in cheering me up is not wasted. You're definitely much appreciated. I just cannot find any words that can express my gratitude towards you. I don't know how I can thank you enough. Also, sorry for all my roller-coaster emotions that you have to go through with me. I have no wish of wanting you to feel miserable with me. So if you do, please let me know alright? I'm sure you know, I love you as much as you love me.

Okay. I know I am typing very randomly. Enough then. My eyes are closing. I haven't really have a good rest for very long. I mean really good sleep. It's either I sleep for short hours, or that I sleep and wake up for many times. I NEED REST!!!!!!! Good night everyone.

To my dearest mummy: Hello mummy. How are you feeling today? Great? I know you're feeling good right? Actually I typed one whole chunk of things for you, but blogger chose to have error and I can't post it. So sad. It's okay. I shall try to re-type it. Hmm. Are you feeling happy now that you're home? I'm sure you are. Come to my dream, will you? I have alot of things to share with you. Let me see you for once, just once will do. Be it sleeping beside me, or coming into my dream. I won't be scared because you're my mummy. Come to me, mummy. Come back and cook for me. Come back and sleep with me. Come back and talk to me. It's late now. Go and sleep. Let's meet up in my dreamland. I will wait for you no matter how long you're going to take. I love you.

~fourty three days since mummy left~

2009-04-01T16:45:00.001+08:00

Not only me, even my friends, think that time pass very fast. In just a blink of an eye, it has been fourty three days since my mummy left us. No. She went travelling around the world with her new found friends. To where? I totally have no idea. Probably to countries she has never been before. So much I feel like crying, yet I don't know what's holding my tears back. Why did my lovely mummy have to leave me so soon? Why is it that she can't get to celebrate my 21st birthday with me? In my name list, I included my mummy as one of us. I won't abandon her when there's any celebration in this family.

I can't take the pressure at home. My grandmother has been constantly nagging over the same thing. I am at home everyday, and I have to listen to the same thing. I don't have the appetite to eat anymore. Nothing taste nice to me. I can't sleep at night. I can't sleep well. Something seems to be haunting in my heart. Not really haunting, but it seems like there's a barrier in my heart. I don't know what's wrong with me because I've been throwing tantrums at home. I get very frustrated when something goes wrong. I get emotional too. Why do I have so many problems? I feel so problematic now.

Many of my friends has been trying lift my mood up when I'm down. No matter what I do, they support me in silence. My lover boy has been another sweetie. A cute laugh coming out from him makes me laugh. I miss his hugs, the kind of hug which gives me warmth. Ah. Dear dear, I miss you. Three days since I last saw you. When can I ever receive that gentle touch from you again? Boo~

Wanted to find my lover boy, but he said his area is raining. Upset though. Forget it. I shall stay at home.I got nothing to say. No choice. I'll endure with everything because I love him. I am going to sleep. I'm not going anywhere except home. Second time that I changed to my outing clothes, and then I changed back to my home clothes, without going out. Slack alone at home. Lock myself in the room. MY EYES ARE CLOSING WHILE TYPING THIS ENTRY. I'm going to rest now then.

HAPPY APRIL'S FOOL DAY TO EVERYBODY. I got tricked twice already. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. Sometimes, it's just so scary.

To my dearest mummy: Hello mummy. Today, I'd just like to say that, I LOVE YOU. =D

~fourty one days since mummy left~

2009-03-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

Hur hur. I'm tired. I just took the steroid injection and it feels so painful now. I can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep but the pain woke me up. My lover boy is sleeping now. He is very very tired after not sleeping for one whole night. So much I love my lover boy. Of course, I do miss him too. =D

I've been trying to come out with the name list for my birthday celebration. It seems like I'm stucked One month left, not very long, not very short too. Having a big headache now. I don't know how many people to invite, I don't know where to start from. I have yet to source for birthday cake, I have yet to source for decorations. Basically, I did nothing. Haha. =P

My lover boy, you're in your lala-land now. I don't want to disturb you from your sleep because you're tired. I hope you have a good night rest, and may you have the sweetest dreams ever. Sleep tight. I love you.

To my dearest mummy: Mummy mummy. I went for the injection today. I cried and cried, and I screamed. Did you hear me cry? Sob sob. It hurts so much that it's still hurting now. I cannot sleep because it's too pain. Blow the pain away for me. Ah. Mummy. I'm going to pray to you tomorrow morning. Are you excited to see me? You've been seeing me every tuesday since the first day. And tomorrow will be the fourty second day. One more week to go. Go go go. Alright mummy. I'm in pain, I'm going to force myself to sleep. Good night mummy.

~thirty nine days since mummy left~

2009-03-28T23:39:00.002+08:00

I hope the four of us can stay united forever. I love all of you.

It has been so long since I last smiled so happily. I do know the reason, but I'm not going to type it out here. And yeah, it was my dearest youngest brother's birthday yesterday. We went out to have a celebration for him, and I hope he's happy with it. Total of 11 people were present.

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY, MERVYN!!!!!

To my dearest mummy: Hello mummy. How have you been? It was di di's birthday yesterday. Did you join us? We took pictures together, and it looks so nice. How nice if you were here with us. Mummy, I still miss you. Do you know that? You have yet to visit me in my dreams. Why are you taking so long? Sad sad. Please visit me. Hmm. I have finished my exams already. I'm much relaxed over this now. One lesser burden. Okay. I'm going to rest. Good night mummy. I love you. =D

-=+[princesspinky]+=-

*~seven hundred and seventy eight days since mummy left~*

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